Kenny and the Jets!

Rednecks

As I mentioned in my last post, I have a new best friend. And he has allowed me entry into his world. Now, this chain of events transpired in an almost parallel universe, but it is all true and you should take note, as I’m sure at some point “Kenny” will have his own E! True Hollywood Story and you will be able to say… “you knew a guy who knew a guy”…

Last Saturday night started off as most do, WIF and I made dinner, watched TV, played with children, put said children to sleep and…

WIF said “I’m tired, Cya in the morning...”

DFH: (dumb f-ing husband) “Hey, stay up, I’m not tired yet...”

WIF: “Go play with your friend Kenny…”

DFH: “Don’t wanna…”

But of course I call the “K-DOG”. This is a nickname he tends to call himself.

So anyway, the “K-DOG” Says to me, He and “Lola” (not her real name BTW) are at a club and he (Remember he doesn’t actually own a car) would come pick me up. At this point he mentions he’d be at my house in 5 minutes… (Funny, I don’t know of any bars within 5 minutes driving distance)

Now, I do realize that I am in for an adventure here, but I had no idea, that I would be truthfully just happy to return home alive. We’ve all had those nights right, where you end up scratching your head or some other body part and just go “WTFWIT-ing?” right?

NO, just me… ok, well I do, it happens, won’t happen again with the “K-Dog” but it does on occasion… Someone once said “Hind-sight is always 20/20” – I’m gonna have to look that up in my “Quote Verifier” - terrific book and find out whom…. The WIF got me the book (Ralph Keyes), its awesome… Sorry, I’m off topic…

Kenny and “Lola” –AKA= Kim or to be referred to here as KFB – They arrive and Kenny starts to explain as I test the seat-belts in the back seat, that we are all going “Red necking”, at this point I’m like - “alright, I can hang, no stress”

This ends up being so much more than a 3 hour tour, and I do get stranded with someone named “Ginger”, but I’m not there yet.

Our merry band of revelers in search of redneck Mecca ends up at numerous strange bars, where surprisingly or not so surprisingly, everyone does actually know Kenny’s name. This most likely prevents me from getting the crap beat out of me at each progressively stranger location.

Throughout the night I mostly say very little and really only converse with KFB or “Lola”, as it turns out this was the alias she was using when she met the “K-DOG” and it kinda stuck.

I have to stop now for some explanations… First, when any group goes out to a bar or drinking or a party normally there is what I will call a party arc or group party arc. Think of this as a graph, starting when you leave the house or arrive at a bar/party as the low point, as everyone drinks and converses the party or GPA goes up, till it plateaus and then people begin leaving, get tired, go to bed… etc.

That being explained, I have since learned that Rednecks do not have a GPA nor does Kenny….

Crap..CRAP..Effing GD CRAP..

As Kenny converses with the locals KFB continually asks me “Are you OK?”

Answer to her “Fine” “No problems here”

In my head - “No, I’m not Fucking Fine “Lola” or “Kim” or whatever your effing name is… “I want to go home; I want all that is good, I don’t want to die….” “I wonder if she has any gum.”

Me to KFB: “Got any gum?”

KFB: “Yeah, I do…”

ME: “Great!”

KFB: “You know, Kenny makes me laugh, and we have an arrangement…”

ME: “Makes me laugh too, glad you got an arrangement...”

KFB: “We’re about to leave and head to a mutual friends…”

ME: “And then home?”

Kenny, has been gone conversing with other real rednecks and playing pool through most of this trip, but when he does actually slow down to talk with me the topics are so random, that I really have no idea what we’re talking about, so I have to stick by “Lola” to translate some seriously stoned meta-thinking on his part.

Hot-tubbing with Rednecks

This is where all hell breaks loose; we leave the 3^rd bar and head for “mutual friend’s house” His name also happens to be “Kenny”… How grand…

So we end up at the Redneck after-party hosted in a rundown house in god knows what municipality.

Our hosts, Kenny numero 2 and Miss Ginger, who was kinda hot by the way… Suggest we all hit the hot-tub. Now again, here is an issue – I see no suits and there are now 7 rednecks, 3 couples of “arrangements” and me….. FUCK.

Sensing that KFB’s party arc is beginning to register decline, and since there are wow 6 naked drunk red-necks getting into the hot-tub for “Lola” promises just 5 minutes, I’m like fine, I get in, due to the fact that now I’m the only asshole clothed and they want me to play guitar – I stick to my side and pray to god this isn’t like one of those creepy movies where they have “plans for me”…. Anyway after 5 minutes, “Lola” – can tell I’m uncomfortable- mentions to Kenny the sweetest of words… “I think we need to get him home”

And they do…

I get home explain to WIF how happy I am to be alive, and retire from Red-necking forever.

Kenny though, he’s a cool cat, just lives in a world I can only describe as “Supernatural!”

later