Je suis fini avec ceci. L'extrémité.

So, That is my new years resolution.

Why play with words when:

A: I'm not very good with them... And...
B: They are more often than not misconstrued as I have a habit of combining multiple thoughts in random order which, if read one way are the exact opposite of what I was trying to explain or express?

Look, this shit doesn't even make sense to me.

You see, THIS PLACE, it's my head...

It was for me... If it amused anyone, even a little bit... well, it served dual purposes. If you read it, you were part of it because I was writing about everything; and if you are a part of my life, you were in my thoughts... and therefore, you were here. BTW, I'm glad you were...

I always thought that there was nothing more intimate than opening a book or reading a story or listening to a song. Precisely because you were able to get into someones head. That was attractive and intimate and still is.

There is/was no filter and none necessary because it is esoteric. A kind of mindless braindump written at 2-3 am after a whiskey or three and before I went to bed.

But this became more of a diary, which ended up being therapuetic, until it no longer was.

What I've come to realize... Is at this point in my life, I no longer want anyone getting inside MY head. Hell, I don't even want to be there.

So, that's where it is. I actually had a good time with this and It's fun to read, but I think it's time I put it to bed. In the immortal words of Leslie "skeet skeet tom skerritt……"

BTW, That's a picture of Rhett one week after we brought him home. Christmas 2003

I'm very lucky.
g'night

I love you guys, I'll see you next year.

I effing told her!! Please refer to (Well Played) Post

CNN.com
updated 11:24 a.m. EST, Thu December 27, 2007

Benazir Bhutto assassinated

Truth and Fiction - OR - Whatever gets you through the Night!

If I could write one thousand stories or live one thousand lives... I think I'd choose life.

It seems that the truth I find is more complex in life and as for the stories, well they're just fiction right?

I know very little and share even less, despite what you may think.

I have come to realize that life is too short, as many others before have discovered. My stream of consciousness has officially been altered; now I'd like to write a few stories, as god knows we don't have that long to share...

BTW, I realize sharing is for pussies and for 12 step groups. I also realize this unfortunate fact will not disturb the hitch and BS in my personal philosophy.

They are as follows. Do with them what you will.

I have watched my friends fall apart this year. I too have fallen apart. It hasn't been pretty and holy crap; if I could share what I know, we'd be here all night.

But this shit: It's locked, I don't know what to do with all these secrets...

I do know this... They are safe. I'd like to ask a favor though. Can we collectively get our shit together this coming year...? I'm including myself.

I guess this is more of a hope than anything... Fuck me thrice!

Thomas Paine: wrote the pamphlets.... "Common Sense" and "The Rights of Man"... He died penniless. What does this have to do with this conversation, you ask?

Well, Uncle Tom, was fond of pointing out hypocricy, and turning it into powerful satire; pointed, sharp satire. He was part of the joke... And yet he was most likely the most influential man in American politics. Without, TP - (hehe) this country wouldn't exist.

Which brings me to the HOLIDAYS!

WOOOHOO! -he said with an air of emptiness.-

The holidays are full of music, well wishes, and superficial friend and familial CRAP. What they are not full of is HONESTY.

Don't get me wrong, I know; we all TRY and do our part. Here's the thing. The people we are trying to fool, are never fooled. The people we love are always toyed with; and for some reason, we don't use "COMMON SENSE" we refrain from the embrace, we are all flawed, scared, and overwhelmed by SIMPLY underwhelming everyone we love. -subtle reference to my own underwhelming achievements this year-

So, to those who say, I've been distant. I agree. Distance is my thing right now... I don't know how long it will last or if I'll EVER come back.

Please know this though as you chew on my melodramatic bullshit. If I tell you "I love you." I mean it and always will. When I say the word LOVE, I mean it.

It's a two way street though right? I think I've driven the wrong way.

If you need something, I'll get it or give it. That has been demonstrated to me by those of you who say and actually mean the same. I also realise these are probably far less in number than those who actually throw the phrase at me...

Unfortunately, we aren't honest (at least I'm not), we play with fire.... And yet we don't expect to get burned.
We want, but deny, we live as we die... It's sad really... And beautiful!

Now it is my time to thank you... I'll do it individually as it's honest and you deserve it. "The Rights of Man" are "Common Sense".........................................

A: Thank You for your logic; humanity, poise, friendship, and dignity - I learn daily.
S: Thank You - for your TRUE LOVE and all that you do, I wish I could tell you what the future holds, but that's not honesty... Is it?
SC: I thank you for being Fucking Real. It's a breath of the freshest air. There is more to say, but I don't feel I need to. You fucking rock!
T: You tell it like it is; and always make me eat me words - after the fact - Thanks
J: You are wise, loving and true, I look forward to your happiness; it's infectious.
L: Wow... What a year. Thanks for showing me what it's like to know who you are. I LOVE YOU! Thanks for everything you've done to help me this year. You're beautiful and wonderful.
K: Don't forget us when you are famous... You've made me think and write music again. Thanks for teaching me that life can only be compartmentalized so much, before LOSS is all we feel. Thanks also for putting up with me. Honesty is nice, when it's real, it's also hard to swallow when you realize that you have made a mess. (I have) Thanks for challenging me, I am a challenge. I'm very proud to know you.
R: I love you, I hope you always know this.
B: You never get the credit you deserve... It's wrong. You are someone I respect. More than you'll ever really know.
JB: Your honesty is perpetual and your aim is true. I'm honored to be a part of your life, although a small part
D: What can I really say... Love you
G: Ditto!
A: Stay strong, please call again, we'll get a drink. I love you.
M: Thanks, I'm sorry I'm a disappointment... It's what I'm good at. I love you.
R: I'm trying...
E: I NEED those hugs, thanks.


Happy New Year -
I love you all... That's common fucking sense!

Jer

FUCK ME, TWICE!

Cool or Lame?

Come on, YOU think it...

Probably all the time... If you're like me (LAME)!!! AND, you are... YOU are reading THIS BLOG?

(Take a minute to ponder that.)

A friend of mine and I were (pondering that) -NOT READING THE BLOG- last night, or rather, THIS morning.

There are certain parts of our lives that we ALL hold on to. For practical purposes mainly.

Like good times we had in high school or college, or when we got our first job, BJ, pretty girlfriend / boyfriend, merit badge (NEVER COOL MAN - EVER) - - whatever really.

I'm talking about the times when WE felt WE were actually cool.

It seems those are fewer now. hmmm?

First off, In my opinion - I think "COOL" means recognizing when: persons, places, things, or ideas are in fact, "LAME". This is the basis for ALL of OUR collective "COOL" moments. At least the "FEW" cool moments we each believed we experienced at some point. AND not by proxy.

That being my baseline. This following statement actually threw me for a loop.

My friend said: "Dude we're in our thirties; it's fuckin' cold, and we have to be either REALLY COOL or REALLY LAME."

Well, "Fuck me twice!"

What the fuck... Buzzkill dude. Seriously?

Aaaahhhh......

Now remember what my baseline for cool is: Did I now at this particular moment in my life no longer recognize that I had become "lame"? If so, when did this take place? Have others, we'll call them - "coolies" always realized I was lame? Have they taken pity on me?

Or was I cool, but somehow spellbound by my -lame- friend?

And the frightening thing is...

His statement and my question just above are - BOTH VALID - right?

As for my determination.... After much scraping (MUCH SCRAPING) and deliberation...

And even upon further reflection while scraping some more.

I think as I always have...

The truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I just think we're "cool" in a "lame" sort of way.

You?

Addendum: to this comment regarding grapples

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad you finally conceded that it's pronounced GRAPE-L.

And what's the Vegas reference...? Is that a shot at me?!

"Yes" and "Yes" - There are tons of shots at you everywhere ALL of them loving!

PTPFDistress

It's an acronym... I think it's involuntary; like PPS...

Answering a few brief questions....

#1 No, I'm not dead or something.
#2 Yes, I'm getting to that.
#3 WOW, you make it look easy.
#4 No there really isn't much that embarrasses me anymore. Embarrassment requires dignity.
#5 Really? Awesome... Vegas huh?
#6 I agree that Grapple's *pronounced GRAPE-L*(Apples that taste like grapes) are wrong on EVERY level imaginable.

#7 I have a recipe for "Rumples" -tm Rumples2007- that are guaranteed to fuck you up. JUST in time for the holidays.

One dozen will cost $12.50 If you'd like to order through the blog make sure you give me the correct e-mail address or 'initials/nom De plume' in the 'comment' section...

Lastly, we will also be working on perfecting the "Vopple" again this year and due to my absolute perfectionist nature, they will again only be made available in 24 lots at a price of only 50.00 per box. This purchase would obviously include our free -Eat Less Chikin- Get you some Vopple - T-shirt and a "Fuck Pickles" wristband.... Oh and I forgot, "the grassman" will leave a message on your answering machine, cellphone, or phonecard?


Sleep well, those of you who sleep....

Much Love

Butt Cut

So, today I got a second "Butt Cut" and I don't mean the coiffure' variety.... I mean the "Butt" variety.

If you're laughing, YOU are a dick/bitch!

I would be, if it was you, AND I'd feel bad about laughing, but irrelevant.

Anyway, when Sarah was in the hospital, I got a 'prolapse' and the 'prolapse' became 'thrombotic' or clotted. CRAPPY DEAL!

So this was the 2nd surger on my bummer.

Now this being a little like the vasectomy post - there was a lot of humor in the involved process and intra personal doctor/patient communication, so I really don't give a damn that this is, in fact a part of the public domain.

Hence he will be referred to as:ASSMAN
So I go to see ASSMAN
CHECK IN at the RECTAL SURGERY CLINIC
Look through three or four AARP magazines and wait for the inevitable....

ASSMAN: "jeremy moore"
ME: "guilty"
ASMMAN: "good to see you"
ME: "not happy to see you"
ASSMAN: "what's it been, almost 2 months?"
ME: "Yeah"
ASSMAN: " What you got"
ME: "A FUCKING PROBLEM"
ASSMAN: "assume the position"
ME: (In my head) FUCK FUCK FUCK
ME: (In my head) DON'T EVEN THINK THAT
ASSMAN: "the needle is going to hurt the most"
ME: (In my head) FUCK FUCK FUCK
ME: "OWWW!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
ASSMAN: "BREATHE"
ASSMAN: "scissors"

Blood and grossness and stitching ensue... As this hi jinks (noisy and mischievous merrymaking) is unfolding we began to chat....

I told him I think he owes me a dinner and he told me he agrees... He tells me there are only 3 places he wouldn't want to be stuck with a needle. Very apt conversation, considering we could both just pretend this wasn't happening.... (I TRIED, but PAIN IS a BITCH!)

Turns out we agree on a lot of things... Like the needle thing.

TOP WORST PLACES FOR A NEEDLE

#1 EYE
#2 PENIS
#3 ASSHOLE

He goes on to explain for some odd reason, (I hope he wasn't stoned) that some people who take Cialis the erectile dysfunction drug get 'Priopism' -an erection lasting 4 hrs or more- and the only way to cure PRIOPISM IS.............

#2 Shot to the: WANKER...

Fuck Cialis!!! - -Viagra all the way baby...

We now proceed to talk about the fact that there are REALLY only 3 TOP places you never want to hear your doctor use the word 'SCISSORS' as a command to an assistant in an operating room.

WORST PLACES FOR SCISSORS

#1 PENIS
#2 PENIS scratch that... Go with TONGUE, #2 TONGUE
#3 ASSHOLE

It seems I'm having a bad year, my stats are good... two top 3's ANYWAY....

ASSMAN: "scissors" and "I had Kristin already call in the Vicodin"

ME: "I LOVE KRISTIN!"

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be THANKFUL for what you HAVE, and be thankful nobody has recently stuck a needle in your eye or cut off your penis or tongue or vagina or whatever.

Some Like It Hot....

So it goes from WTF to WOW... That's the cool thing about life...

I'm actually at a loss for words.

I have a problem with imoticons in general, but here goes...

:-)

Be Good or Be Gone... and Pimp with Vision

As I blow away the ashes I flicked on my keyboard accidentally and begin to type tonight I'm realizing that my life of truth or dare has lost it's luster. BTW, this isn't news to me... This is obvious.

Hallelujah - The tree frogs are calling and it's obviously time for renewing vows of some kind.

"Everybody measures themselves by a ruler, it's all subjective, but if you try, whether it's good or not is irrelevant, I guess you shouldn't invest a shitload in what everyone else thinks..."

"The answers in life are never presented to us on a golden platter."

A quote from my best friend Alex...

I love you man..

I took the kids "trick or treating" this evening with the WIF, it was great!!! I missed a good part of the build up to Halloween, but I didn't miss the best part. I'm not the greatest father, this is a "truism", but I/we have a good time.

I'm lost, the only constant is change, (another truism) and that is somewhat comforting.

I have no idea which road to take, none of them are marked "safe", being mediocre at several things and mastering nothing is no longer working for me or my family.

I won't give up, I could be a mediocre writer, a mediocre songwriter, or a terribly unhappy corporate slug. I am thinking lately that Al and I could really do something with our 18 years of playing and recording music together, but it's going to really depend on us focusing on it.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a business I LOVE that needs to be run, and I have crazy responsibilities. That said, I have to find something that I'm truly good at, (that actually makes money) and that narrows the possibilities very much.

So, this is what I need. From my kids- patience, from friends and family - direction and truth, from my soul belief, and from you-honesty...

I'm a colossal failure in most respects, but I won't always be so stupid, with age does come wisdom in abstract form. My aim is true...

I love you all; please don't run.... You're running aren't you..?

I'll give it my best. Tell me, what are you here for?

I'm happy-err? when it's cold...

It struck me the other day, when I saw the Christmas trees up at the store. It's still October?

FIRST Rhetorical: Why the fuck are Christmas decorations up before Halloween?
SECOND Rhetorical: Where the fuck has this month gone?

The holiday season is tickling my proverbial ornaments in it's annual foreplay sessions, but I haven't had time to consent or even take a shower... Yet.

It has been a VERY confusing, rough, scary, crappy, wonderful, beautiful year, and I've learned allot.

Though I can't tell the story here... It is simply due to logistics, not want. I actually don't know if this story has an ending or if I'm in the middle, or possibly at the end.

Possibly the soundtrack to my life has been static, but the coldness, of fall has awakened me. Now it seems, the tape is consistently rolling and I must become something.

Things are moving; people are moving on, and I must remix and remaster, static is just wasted tape and time.

That out of the way now.... I need to get down to business with the holiday crap.

I actually love the holidays, Halloween is a favorite, but it's tomorrow and I haven't so much as stabbed a pumpkin with the kiddos (I don't mean trying to put children through pumpkins) or put eyeballs into green jello and mason jars. What kind of shitty dad am I?

WIF has made the spawn costumes - "Super Rhett" and "Super Evan" complete with capes, but we have missed the pumpkin patch, haunted houses, pumpkin seeds, and adult costume parties that make the holiday fun.

I think the secret to living is to do just that... live. That is what I'm/We're working on and toward. Only will can snap the coldness of idiocy.

I have to steal a line from David Duchovney

"Honestly, I do know that they won't always love me...no matter what..."

I need to carve a fucking pumpkin.

Do not blog about the boners

gospel sex - jesus fucks me yet again.....

precocious

From the latin: praecox or (Early Ripening) and coquere: (to cook)

Essentially, the word means to "cook early" or "ripen or mature too quickly"....

I, for one may "cook early" on occasion -noted-, but certainly could never be accused of "maturing too early". This is important, because I'm/We're apparently not grown ups.

My good friend Alex told me last night whilst he was on a camping excursion with the cub scouts and son that, and I quote..."It's kind of weird being around REAL grown-ups...

Now setting the stage a bit.... I was a little put-off by the statement at first. Alex and I are good friends and I was like... "Dude we're grown-ups, we got kids and shit, and we're good fathers etc..etc.. His reply... "No man, we aren't and neither is anyone we know..."

Precocious statement from a child I thought... (insert laugh now)

Now some of you may think I'm talking like a scientologist gone "clear", but I'm not... I think that wearing fake miltary outfits (So there is no confusion Alex doesn't BTW), becoming part of "a pack" and hanging out in the woods with guys who'd rather teach "hoop knots" than actually talk to their kids is goofy... Plus there is a strict "no alcohol policy"

AND it's a little gay...

Rhett and Evan - sorry guys - you can't join that club... If you want to be Indian Princesses... well, we'll talk, but camping will be done as a family or with friends..... And the ADULTS - AKA - Grown-ups... Will have a strict alcohol policy of their own.

It's true that I have precocious children, (THEY ARE EFFING SMART), it's true that I have not matured enough....
It is also true however, that I will never be a grown-up in the traditional sense. I'm never going to make millions, or join the church choir, I'm never going to be traditional...

Precocious?

Moving on.... The Saga of the "terrible almost 4's"

I think Rhett could be "Amish" It's unsettling, and it's something the WIF and I have been fretting about as of late.

He (Rhett) has begun to come home from school singing "Jesus Loves Me" AND, if that weren't bad enough. He has gotton to the point that he is up and ready to start the day (All day EVERY day) at 5:00 am.

WTF dude? Come on, would it kill you to sleep until 7:30 once in awhile?

If he starts expressing an interest in the fine arts of "barn-raising" or "cabinetry"...

Well, I could end up in a fucking church choir or on a cub scout camping trip....

FUCK ME

A gang?

Alex, Bryan, Ben, Traci, and Sarah

"I have to go... But I love you guys!"

Words, Words, Words..... What are they good for?

Yes Callers'....

That is the question.... Post a response. SERIOUSLY

I was thinking about why we write or sing or blog or talk and this being a blog, it IS, supposed TO be read, and NOT read.... Is there anyone out there, and if so.... why?

Why is any of this interesting, or engaging to you the reader, what purpose does it serve, in your life? In mine? Why should you care?

Yes, sometimes OUR (all of our) lives ARE funny, but are they funny haha, OR funny trainwreck?

Why do all of us take pictures or send cards or write in diaries....

Are we processing? Are we LEARNING?

The only thing I can come up with so far, is so we can see what kind of idealistic assholes we were at an earlier point in time. Maybe, it's to document that we weren't always assholes....?

Historical?
Narcissistic?
Private?
Naked?
Honest?
Funny?
Voyeurisitic?

It's not just documenting that we enjoy... What is it we enjoy.

BESIDES: Califonication and Weeds.

Leslie, If your comment is "fish tacos" I'm gonna kill you, BUT I would snicker a bit....

Love them

I'm all lost in the Supermarket....

Today, I took our one-time babysitter/little sister/housesitter to lunch. I hadn't seen her too much since she moved to Denton for school. She's kinda like that cool little sister I never had. I have a big one and she kicks ass, but she's actually small, and couldn't.

It's more complicated to write that thought than think it, cause believe me, people say my sister IS hot...

Why'd I write that? You know I don't mean it that way... fuck.

Anyway, she showed up at the house this morning, and interrupted my shower I might add, because she had just been fired from her job. I honestly think this may have been the first time she has actually been fired. She was obviously upset and worrying about surviving.

Then I thought of myself and I thought: "That really sucks!" I mean, she is like maybe finishing her freshman year of school, and she's racked with stress like she's 35...

So she hung out with the kids, talked to me and WIF, and I had to go to the store, so I asked her if she wanted to come with and get some lunch. We had to go to Wal-Mart - which by the way is of the SUPER Wal-Mart variety....

SIDENOTE: I think WAL-Mart's should really change their designation; when it comes to what different sized Wal-Mart's can sell you, and what curse words they invoke.

SUPER Wal-Mart's would be referred to as simply "Mother Fucking Wal-Marts"

And so on and so on....

http://www.walmart-blows.com/news.htm

Anyway, "Sissy" as Rhett calls her, cheered up and I made it through Wal-Mart in part because she has SUPER keen Super-Market skills - Thanks lissa

And it's because of her that today I didn't have a bourbon until noon...
In my liver's mind, I earned a chip.....

***'s

Well Played

So, tonight I have a ton to write about, but I'm not gonna... No, tonight you're just getting fluff...

I think this picture about sums it up. I spent a part of my day, albeit a small part, looking at lizard dicks... A woman wanted a "mate" for her lizard and needed to know whether she should be getting a male or female for her lizard, sooo; she sent me lizard porn.

In fairness to her, I did tell her I'd need to see a picture. So, technically; I asked for it...

Wow, at what point do you just think, "I should have listened to a guidance counselor?"

Now by looking at the femoral pores, (above picture) and the two bulges below the vent, and taking into account the lizards age, it definitely looks to be a boy. (Side note) REPTILES HAVE TWO DICKS - They can use either one, pretty cool... I mean if you were having trouble with one... I don't know why I care to even know this shit anymore...

Moving on...

A friend and I were talking this evening about bad ideas. It started when we were talking about the bombing today in Pakistan. You see it appears that the ex-leader of the country; former Pakistani Prime Minister - Benazir Bhutto, returning after years in exile, had her motorcade attacked by suicide bombers, which ended up killing at least 124 people and injuring 320 more, Bhutto, reportedly was unhurt. Hmmm

I explained that this was an example of people just not recognizing the difference between a good or a bad idea.

A. Good Idea= NOT returning to a country you were thrown out of during a military coup (You'll get killed) fuckin' duh!
B. Good Idea= adding "I am one of very few females to ever run an Islamic country for awhile" to your resume'

I mean in america, that chick would at the very least have an awesome book deal or be the newest replacement on "The View"

Instead I/we/people are drawn to bad ideas.

--Note to: Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto-- THIS is a Bad Idea= returning to a country still run by a military dictatorship, that just happened to kick your ass out of government, and likely on threat of your limbs, also the country. Get the hell out, You're still alive and now, a flippin' shoe-in for that "VIEW" gig...

As we began listing politically incorrect bad ideas, it dawned on me how funny some ideas are.

BAD IDEAS

1. "I'm only gonna be in west africa once, why not hook up with a stripper?"
2. Asking Republican Larry Craig if he "tap dances"...
3. Applying to be an "Ice Berg Look-Out Guy" , gets assignment to; Titanic, and thinks "This'll be easy shit- fucking thing is UNSINKABLE."
4. Buying light bulbs made by blind people- QA must be great, and you know if the fucking thing doesn't work, you sure the hell aren't going to ask for your money back... Then, you'd just be a dick.
4." Asking your WIF if YOU are being rational"
5. Eating local cuisine on Safari in the congo..
6. Giving your step mom a NEW bong for her birthday
7. Asking questions that you already know the answers to, that inevitably leave you stumped on a porch somewhere smoking ultra-light cigarettes"

Any and all of these ideas are bad, dangerous, and potentially lethal.... yet funny, sad, real, and possibly part of the reason we enjoy life.

Continuing my stream of consciousness...

Al and I recently went into the studio with another friend and recorded 6 new -rough- demo tracks for what I hope will be a full fledged EP of the variety that we could possibly sell. I'm quite proud of some of it, and Alex pulls off a killer vocal performance of a Rufus W. song "Vibrate" It's very much like Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" in quality and tone - perfect.

It's also an interesting song in that it seems to address in a very distinct way, the ramifications of communication in the digital age and the adjustments we must all make in our lives to communicate with each other in non-traditional ways.

Staying "connected" never really keeps us "connected" does it? It seemingly makes us spend less time with the people we should, who are right in front of us, more time with the people we want to spend time with who are far away, and generally leaves us with no time for reflection.

REFLECTING? Introspection?

I hope Al and I actually start playing more in front of actual audiences, it makes me happy I think.

I hope that all of the people in my life will still be in my life 16 or 17 years from now... I hope my kiddos know how much I love them and how proud I am to be their dad.

I hope I get more things right than wrong, AND....

I hope that myopic seeing eye dogs will eventually be able to get lasik eye surgery at the -Boothe Eye Care and Laser Center.

Night Night

impending lingerie pillow fights

Wow, Maggie... I can't help but feel for your kid, it's gonna be all down hill from here for him, poor bastard.

So it’s 11:32pm as I begin this entry.

There is actually something very cool about staring at an empty white page BEFORE I dirty it with random thoughts of no real consequence pieced together in no distinct order.

I operate on the theory that if you write 1000 pages or post 100 entry’s then, at least a few will be interesting. And so it is... 11:34 and I’m “all in”...

My friend Leslie (LBO aka Maverick) and Sarah C, (the weasel aficionado) are taking the WIF to a Rainbow bar for her birfday this year, which is coming up on October 12^th...

Now, this is disturbing on so many levels, and very cool... I’ll explain and you decide. Actually don’t, my life if Fucked up enough w/o listening to anyone else’s BS. I import Reptiles for a living for Christ’s sake...

First off, this was the WIF’s idea... no problem there... And I have a theory that everyone’s just a wee bit queer, so I’m certainly open to her exploring different parts of her world, I mean... I mean I been to the Rainbow clubs with “LBO” before and it was a good time... The “rainbows” know how to party for sure... That being said, their taste in music, not so good.... That was a generalization and I’m sure it’s wrong ¾’s of the time – sorry rainbows...

I’ll get back to the WIF’s impending lingerie pillow fights...

She asked a few of my/our friends to this shindig (all beautiful and talented ladies I might add), namely a Gecko Goddess, my Rainbow Connection, and a Finance Queen who again happens to be a weasel aficionado... I love all these ladies, and I tell all of them way too much about my life... Way too fucking much, so having them all in the same room scares the hell out of me, much less having all of them in the same room at a lesbian bar where I am NOT on a Saturday fucking night... drinking no less...

It’s kinda like in high school at a school assembly in the gym and you look up, and inevitably behind you, and there are like 4 of your ex girlfriends all sitting together, and they all look at you and wave, and you're like “fuck” “fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck....”

I will need some Valium here in a minute.

And she’s staying with Les (aka Mav/LBO) in Dallas that night...

As luck would have it GG or KK (she’s asked me to use it once – initials thing, add another K and we’re in dangerous territory can’t do it) uhhh, she has a reptile show in Chicago that weekend, and will miss out... (BONUS), but now they’re planning on two, yup that’s right, two trips to gay mecca, one for the WIF’s birfday, and one just “girls night” when all four can plot, plan, sip martini’s, talk shit, and pick up hot women, and I am jealous!

That I won’t be there.

It’s kind of the George Costanza rule of relationships... Separate worlds equal happy worlds, as long as they aren’t too separate and the happy isn’t too happy... You know what I mean. I’ll probably be home in my boxers on the couch eating a block of cheddar cheese, or...... well... whatever

Now, this being her birthday wish and me not being invited does lead me to a few conclusions.

Conc#1

I need to make a trip to the “spy store” TOMORROW and send LBO a "Teddy Bear" as a thank you for all she’s done to help us out whilst WIF was ill....

Conc#2

Maybe this is a good thing, not just the –Teddy Gram- but the fact that WIF doesn’t want me around for her birfday celebration, maybe it means:

1. I'm gonna get laid - eventually or
   
2. she hates me
3. she like girls
4. she might like girls and hate me
5. she may just be teasing me about liking girls and doesn’t hate me all the time
6. she may want to get jiggy again maybe even with me at some point
7. I just had to add “jiggy” to the dictionary in MS word...
8. She NEEDS her space AS MUCH as I do!!! Fucking great!

And now on to a few things I know... And a few things I think I know...

Britney Spears can't be that fucking stupid, can she?

Jenna Bush Can't be that Fucking smart, can she?

GWB vetoed a bipartisan bill TODAY which would continue to provide federal funding for the SCHIP program. (State Children's Health Insurance Program)

This federally funded program provided health insurance via the states to uninsured children and some under insured children.

His rationale for the veto was that the SCHIP program is excessive government spending on a social program and that some of the people receiving the added insurance don’t actually need it as, as they could afford the care without the federal programs help....

Last week GWB asked Robert Gates to ask Congress for another budget supplemental of $191, 000000000.00 for the continuation of the Iraq War....

Finally, The new Eef Barzelay album is great - check out his myspace page www.myspace.com/eefbarzelay

I love my WIF

SHE loves me

Things are tough... So what...

Happy Birthday – go get em tiger!

ME-fucking-OW....

Don’t drink too much, have fun AND...

I wouldn’t wear the prom dress.

Republicans Are Queer -Part 2

Senator Larry Craig – R. Idaho

Senator,

Please say the word “Lettuce” and spell the word CUP.....

Now dear reader refer to the post “Republicans Are Queer” below

Night.

WTF Jer?

Let’s not shit ourselves.

Now that nobody actually reads this anymore, and the three people who actually did (read it) believe that I’m not one for writing anymore, I figure it’s safe to come back and brain dump.

The funny thing about writing is the disconnect. The disconnect from the reader, the disconnect from the bullshit we constantly tell ourselves and others, and the disconnect between what we say and do and what we actually feel and believe but are afraid to tell... ANYONE.

This disconnect exists whether you are writing a song or typing a letter. Unfortunately lately, that disconnect has become something I have begun to rely on whether I’m talking on the phone, typing an e-mail and even when I’m actually trying to say something from the heart directly to another human being. I count on being disconnected, (I think we all do) it seems to keep the world or at least my little bit of it sane, organized, clean, and free of questions which may result in answers... answers that might make my world or the worlds of others more complicated.

Complication, it’s a word I’m not fond of, but it is a fundamental truth in this life of ours and as much as I’m afraid of complication, it seems to be one of the things I’m most intrigued by. It’s the stuff I relish from afar no matter what I may tell you up close. Complication is what keeps life interesting that is, until things become too fucking complicated. Like when one single moment can seemingly, stop your heart, boggle your brain, and reverse the polarity of your most basic senses.

Over the past year or two or three, I have constantly tried to believe my own bullshit, despite my best efforts it would appear, I’m fighting a losing battle. Please don’t misunderstand the basics here; I’ve never been one to mince words about my core beliefs related to ideology or my fundamental belief that being unconventional is in itself some sort of retarded virtue. My cross to bear as it were, and see this is where the bullshit comes in... I’ve always in fact tried to “live within the framework” as a friend of mine is fond of saying. By that I mean I’ve always tried to be the kind of person I expect others to be. I’ve always tried to also stay true to my own convictions and adhere to my own principals (no matter how unconventional) and still live within the framework that seems to make most people pleasantly happy, and dull...

I wish it were one thing, I wish there was a point where black simply became white...

I wish I could write a novel or paint a picture using only oil and canvas, or write a song, and someone, anyone really... could read it, or look at it, or listen to it, and we wouldn’t have to communicate by speaking, they would just simply “get it” or get me. Sometimes that happens in everyones lives, but mostly it doesn't these days. We're bombarded. I wish that we as people could just communicate, calmly and rationally without infusing happiness, fear, jealousy, and sex, and love, and truth, and pain into everything. I wish there wasn't the hesitation.

The truth is: I guess we can’t BECAUSE we do...

Having children is so wonderful and trying and well.... it’s fucking complicated, as is love and marriage and work and fucking life. It’s a complex existence and it seems to get even more complicated the more choices we’re given. I am not religious in the traditional sense; the traditional sense scares the living hell out of me. I’m also not conventional, as that tends to have the exact same affect.

The people I surround myself with are also unconventional in sooo many ways, and I love them all due to this fact, but I respect them all for different reasons. For some it’s their honesty about themselves and their faults or limitations, I respect others for their bravado or lack there of, and still others teach me that in order to move forward and learn anything in our brief stint here; you must face complications head on, accept the gray in life and follow your own compass to whatever place you think might bring you happiness and sadness, safety and excitement, fear and yes I’m gonna say it, loathing....

I want the fairy tale, and not just for me, for everyone I love... And I love everyone in my life, but let’s not pretend. Let’s communicate, let’s stand naked before those we love and hope for acceptance, shy away from convention, run towards opportunity, and seek new knowledge, experience and wisdom. Because no matter what we say or what we do.... Life is complicated. That is not bullshit........Though many would have me, you, and everyone else believe it is not. Obviously, I’m still full of crap; I know this to be absolute....

Let’s just not shit ourselves any longer.... Let’s get interesting.

Boil it down to presidential policy: “Children’s do learn”

Effing Nose

Kids are cool...

I know what your thinking.... Only if your drunk.... Right?

JUST KIDDING!!!

When I was teaching, no doubt I drank myself to sleep some nights, but when you have children you realize several things... First off, they are sponges... in both the good and the bad ways... Secondly, they are really fun. It's great to watch them use or do something for the first time. You kinda get to experience everything again for the first time.

As our business and household isn't completely conventional there are occasions where I may use foul language. For example I may get bit by a Green Tree Python and say something to the effect of: "Oh shit, that fucking snake just nailed me again!"

I realize this is a problem and I am trying to curtail the cursing - (Refer to the Aww Dirt! post earlier)

Anyway, a few days ago, Rhett was helping me pack a shipment and sneezed, only it was a messy sneeze - if you know what I mean...

So, I look at Rhett, and he very calmly and dryly looks back - with his beautiful little brown eyes - and says.... "Fucking Nose!"

I was upset/moved and proud....


GLITTER sidenote

I saw a comic the other night describe glitter as the STD of craft supplies....

It goes like this.... If your going to use it, you need to be prepared to have it for the rest of your life, and expect outbreaks no matter what you do at any moment.... Be it puting on a shirt or brushing your hair, or leaving the strip club.

I think this is true. So, if she's "crafty" - watch out

Response to "maverick"

Mav was kind enough to repond via comment to my last blog wherein she corroberated my version of events and refuted others. As I believe in an honest debate and her comments continue to make me snicker.... I felt they deserved their own response and new entry....

MAV: this is maverick and i'd like to respond:>

"wonderfully cool, wickedly funny friend, who always seems to have plans, cause she's all cool and alternative lifestyley - was available to hang out"
MAV: --beyond my first point that lifestyley isn't a word, i'd like to say thanks for your description. we lesbians like to keep it real.

Goose: Some of you like to keep it real, but I need to say for the record, that for such a smiley bunch with a happy flag many of your compatriots were decidely unfriendly toward my advances (on your behalf) and my innocent queries regarding the possible use of empty chairs. Lesbians seem to be very possessive of furniture - in my opinion....

>"Here is where the duality of our causes converged"
MAV: --well said, for our causes were, indeed, convergent. we were both on a mission to be hit on at a gay bar. you, breeder, had your reasons. i, lesbian, had mine.

Goose: Hmmm.... I don't think I like your tone.... I was there for YOU! And because I wanted to hang out with hot lesbians....
But for the sake of argument.... I did think the novelty may be flattering, but the 2 times I was approached you will recall I made us move cause it felt a little creepy.

>"although she did have to seal the deal"
MAV:--ok, so you make it sound like the sole purpose of the outing was for me to go home with someone. which? even though it was...i don't think EITHER of us thought that would really happen. you see, i'm a virgin in that regard. the one-nighters have never been my cup of tea. so i really think i should point out that the whole going home with someone thing was a TOTAL JOKE. i never saw it coming to fruition. i digress. 'seal the deal' isn't exactly romantic. i'd like to say, for the record, that the female in question was lovely and kind and responsible and smart and generally not someone you'd expect to stereotypically leave the bar with (stereotypes were all i had to go on before now, you see). the point being, that i would not have anticipated actually having a coherent conversation with said female at a later date.

did i mention i took her for really tasty tacos the next day for lunch?

Goose: Not gonna dispute any of that, but have to say "Tasty Tacos" That's the best quote ever and sounds dirty in ANY context... I'm humbled and proud.

>"we were on fire literally"
MAV: --dear god, we were. the stars aligned for us!

Goose: Good Times...

>"Our elaborate plan even included props"
MAV: --this was our best idea of the evening. and i love that you think by standing in the middle of a gay mecca, you can look straight by holding a koozie (not so much).

Goose: Are you saying I looked gay before the koozie, cause I disagree, the koozie made me look gay, (Put a rainbow on ANYTHING it's gay - even the sky) I didn't get hit on before I had the koozie.... btw, neither did you!

>"Watching two chicks smooch in your backseat isn't as cool as you might think it would be when you don't know how to get home....."
MAV: --how many times did i have to say THROCKMORTON?! seriously. would it have killed you to stop with the incessant questions for a bit and just drive around aimlessly lost?!>

Goose: Here is where our "cause" was no longer common and our goals no longer the same..... See at this point I was surprised and delighted at our success, and looking forward to getting home where I would be retiring my koozie and settling in to sleep.... You on the other hand were looking forward to intense all night girl love.

"Keep smiling maverick... my office gossip is getting better and I had a blast."
MAV: --don't worry. i smile every day. >

Goose: Glad I could help... Anytime... It was a sacrifice I made... say nothing more...
BTW, How is "tasty taco?"

"not that this is a competition or anything...."
MAV: --OH - IT IS! s, i'm sorry to say, but jer has not only topped you with this outing, he may now be unattainable in the realm of office gossip. good luck, girl.

Goose: I dunno, WIF can give anyone a run for their money...

MAV: finally, to whomever is reading out there, you CAN go home with a completely great person from a bar. it happens. and to my neighbors, i apologize for noise. ---maverick

Goose: Next time press "record"

One small step for man.....

Hello moto...

It's been a while since I have had time or been moved to write anything. I was gonna write that I hadn't had anything to say, but if you know me, then... well, you know that's not true. I've been busy.... true.... and things have been tough.

That said... Things are better and it's time to spill my head.

1st thing: I just saw a preview for the movie "Astronaut Farmer" which I gather is similar to "Space Cowboy" or something. -Quick Summation- Man played by (I shit you not) Billy Bob Thornton is a farmer who decides to build a rocket and fly into space...

That premise alone made me get stoned/ I mean come on -gadammit- "OF FUCKING COURSE the government is going to find out; and of fucking course they are going to say some shit about "you not handling the truth"; and shooting your ass down...

And of fucking course they are going to blow up your rocket ship building- space barn - located in your effing cornfield.......

GAAWD.

That leads me to my next point, and if you wade through that (point) -it may lead you to my actual point, which happens to be related, but not necessarily ---- and not in the way you might now think ----- to the title of this particular entry.

After I watched that preview, I started thinking.... This is where it all begins and is the reason I should try not to... think....

My thoughts were these... :"Why not?" Why exactly couldn't Billy Bob Thornton or anyone who's had sex with Angelina Jolie for that matter, make a rocket in his or her cornfield and fly to space... I mean "Why not?" beyond the obvious reasons...

1:Farmer
2:Farmer - just kidding
2:No background in aerospace
3:Farmer's get screwed and have no money
4: Government should be asking questions if someone wants to buy "solid rocket booster" or "rocket fuel"

Suppose Billy Bob had some money stashed away. (not likely btw)
Suppose he had friends with connections on the black market and or Aerospace degrees
Suppose that a bunch of people could get together with a multitude of resources drawing on a range of cumulative expertise and actually do something for the honest to god purpose of advancing our knowledge of ourselves and our world or the world's of others. (that'd be the gays)

I know that's how it had to seem to those folks at NASA when they began the space program... I know ---this space thing--- like any idea that takes many minds to make successful, will only be successful if each person thinks they are doing it for there own cause and a cause their conscience can live with. In the case of the "Space Race", Scientists and Astronomers, Machinists, and Welders, Military and Naturalists all had at least dual and likely multiple purposes for which they were both recruited, and for which they would work, in order to make this amazing thing happen....

Some motivations were their own, some were purposes with which their conscience would let them live.

And so it goes with your lesbian friends...

I'm finding that since my wife and I began working together "office gossip" has really taken on a new and decidedly less interesting turn. It has gone from "who's doing who or who likes who or who's getting fired ("ME" if you were keeping score....) to:

"Would you make him stop that!" or

"So and so is crying again"

Which could be funny or interesting when it's the crazy programmer in the cubicle talking to himself about "code", but annoying when it's your children....

Anyway, WIF and I have decided we each need to get out a little more so we will have new and interesting things to speak to one another about when we get BACK... from whereever we go that's not with each other.

That's right I SAID IT- Being together sometimes makes you need to be apart so you can stand being together... It's called the facts of life "Tootie"....

Last week we began: (WIF and I) --- began our 3-6 hour tours that we are to take at least once a week (if possible) into the land of the "Not you"

WIF went first, she had met a pretty cool chick through one of our kids.... FUCK see this is why we have to get out more. Anyway, she apparently needed the time away and came back with a great story.... Not that this is a competition, but we had something interesting to talk about, namely how WIF got so smashed she puked in a bar bathroom for the first time since college - good ole' college.......... awefreakingsome....

See, it's not only interesting and funny, she had a freaking blast........ with "Not Me" and we had a conversation that the other person couldn't actually finish by themselves.... This is cool....

Saturday was my turn, and a wonderfully cool, wickedly funny friend, who always seems to have plans, cause she's all cool and alternative lifestyley - was available to hang out...

So, her being somewhat but not actually newly single invited "moi" to be her "wingman" at a bar...

Here is where the duality of our causes converged. In this convergence would lie our success much like NASA or the building of the pyramids... See, I told you the "Space Race" was going somewhere.....

Our success was a shared success, although she did have to seal the deal, I was able to help line up bogeys and direct our search. We weren't high fiving or anything, but if that were still cool to do, we would have done it for sure...

She needed to get back out on the scene and her scene being attractive women, well I needed to at least see a scene in reality that resembled something from -the L word- not -Joe Dirt 2-

Although admittedly, there were and are still a whole lotta "old school lbo's out there who never got the "mullet memo" of 89'.....

Anyway, living vicariously as a married man should, but sharing in a common goaland doing "great" things, made me the best wingman since "goose" in "Top Gun". Two things.... in case you are wondering....

I know "goose" wasn't technically a wingman but a navigator, and I also know that I wouldn't have been as good a wingman to one of my single guy friends...... But you know, we were on fire literally....

Our elaborate plan even included props... So nobody would think we were "breeders" (a term I was affectionately called- I think it means friend) infiltrating their world or that we were a couple or something, I got me a rainbow koozy and everything to "look" like a native.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is:

I learned something the other day.....

1.It's our duality and ability to work together that make us humans great...

and...

2.Watching two chicks smooch in your backseat isn't as cool as you might think it would be when you don't know how to get home.....

Keep smiling maverick... my office gossip is getting better and I had a blast.

WIF, I love you....

Thanks for loving me, btw, my story was better than puking, not that this is a competition or anything....

bye

Republicans ARE queer!

Look, I realize that by just using that title for this entry, I am painting with a very broad brush. I'm actually using a republican tactic, that since 1996 or so has really worked for them. The drill is this: Make outlandish statements using a few examples and stay on message.

It WORKS! Let's try it...

What I'm getting at is this... No one party - Republican, Democrat, Libertarian (not even a possibility) Socialist, Green, Cat-Fuckers...etc - should control all three branches of our government at any given time. The framers would have been smart to throw something in the constitution to that effect, but they didn't. They didn't forsee Karl Rove... He's basically a sane methodical, genie from the future with flesh colored hair, but he's - no doubt - up to no good...

Now, any Republican who happens to come upon this site will likely assume I have a bit of a weak understanding of how our government actually works, I enjoy these debates, so bring it on fuckers....

To my Liberal compatriots, I may be preaching to the choir, but we need a message and we need to stay on that message no matter what.... Republicans are queer!
I'm gonna catch shit for that - get it....

Someone says to you: "Liberals are godless, cut and run, babykilling, terrorists....!"

Your reply should be: "Republicans are queer!"

Seriously though, they are sooo corrupt at this point, that they KNEW a pedophile was in their midst, but rather than risk losing a possible house seat, they swept it under the rug, AND - This Foley- A-hole - was helping direct the legislation and committee on missing and exploited children! - Sick dude....

Not only that but after the story "blew" he checked into rehab saying booze made him do it, and he's gay because he was molested.....

Asshole... Republican spin is such that they dare equivocate being gay to molestation in all cases, and being a boozer made him hanker for young boys? WTF?

Now, I don't want to imply that being gay is the issue at all... I think you find love wherever you find love. And that's awesome... that's human...

Republicans though as a group are so completely open to discrimination when it comes to homosexuality, then they pray to Jesus some liberal commie won't make it illegal to buy an assault rifle - the key word in their flawed argument is - ASSault - not defense....

You guys remember the gay porn conservative reporter the whitehouse was paying to lob softball questions to the prez last year? Then when his pics were located on gay porn sites, they fired him, and refused to answer any questions about paying reporters for "fluff" pieces.

Kinda like that wiretap thing, by asking questions about our government, and pedophiles guarding and protecting exploited and missing children, we are emboldening the terrorists.

Maybe the next line they should use is: We're fighting the pedophiles in congress, so you don't have to fight them at home, unless of course, your child is unfortunate enough to be a page running errands for said pedophiles.

My point is this...

Not all Democrats or Liberals are babykilling, godless, hippie, tree-hugging, gay lawyers, with therapists, medical mary jane, and elitest attitudes. We don't all want to burn flags or make love with Osama.

Although sometimes it seems like it. Republican spin is such, that I'm scared to death of my fucking self... It's cool though, I got me some duct tape and plastic wrap, Just like the department of homeland security said I should... Sound kinky? And ineffective?

Republicans are queer!

Does anyone know what terror color of the rainbow we're at....?

Tom Ridge - gay!

See, let's stay on message - Republicans are queer! It doesn't matter if personally you're queer, or not. If you are queer just say to whoever questions you, that you were republican, but came out of the closet and quit hating yourself.

Liberals are inclusive. Remember "Republicans ARE QUEER!"

It just doesn't seem elitist to question these pricks who are so obviously full of crap and think the majority of the american people are buying what they continue to sell.

And, I know all Republicans aren't gay, homophobic, militant robot, C student hacks, with old money, Jesus is my co-pilot bumper stickers, and Crackers... They aren't all in-bred, rich assholes......

Many of them actually vote against their own economic interests, because they think that someday they may become rich assholes....

Although, I do subscribe to the theory that most conservatives are in fact assholes.

In summation tonight, I'm proud to be an american, but you assholes who started this war in IRAQ - why don't you guys and Lee Greenwood stand beside each other fucking today - Just like the G-Damn song, but do it over there, where everybody get's assault rifles....

Bring the kids home.

Vote in November.....

J

Queen for a day.....

So, I got e-mail.... From several people... about my last post... I was just having a day, and sometimes I just don't think I can do it. I type it, cause if I don't I'll explode. I'm/We're peachy.
Moving on...

Bryan, a close friend of mine and chameleon guru, got attacked for the first time this week, I consider this a "christening" of sorts and kinda funny.

BTW, R&C have your people call my people and put us on effing schedule or risk ex-communication...

On further thought and review this blog should be titled when Chameleons, Weasels, Anacondas, and the US Fish and Wildlife service attacks.

UPDATE: Kenny - (In your head use Robert Stacks's voice from that "Unsolved Mysteries" tv show - trench coat, smoke and all... while reading the following.)

Kenny, 36, Pot Smoker - Re-enactment....

Vanished, but called "friend"explaining he was living with some new friends, "was nearly out of minutes on his cell phone" and was sick of taking his 80 year old parents, "Shit!" Current whereabouts unknown last seen in a white ice cream truck, make/model unknown late 80's, American. If you have information - keep it to yourself.

I'm happy we broke it off clean anyway, but I can't say I won't miss him a little.

My friend Sarah - not WIF, although they have the same B-day, wierd, got a new baby weasel/ferret, I could have gotton it for her cheaper... But she sent me pics and it's very cute, and apparently weasels like bath toys...? I gather this from some rather odd weasel websites and her photos... hehe...

She and let's call him "Adam" to protect his identity, have multiple weasels. Now, having worked in the Animal Biz on and off for a good portion of my life, I have tried to impart upon her the cold hard facts, that ferrets never die a natural death... Seriously, think about it, have you ever heard of a ferret dying of old age.... Maybe being squished, or lost or eaten or maybe you have worked at a petshop where breeder ferrets were bought because they were cheaper for the owner to purchase, and you had to use a chain-mail glove to reach into the cage to feed them, and subsequently got attacked on a daily basis and ended up setting them free (at said owners request) in Nacogdoches, wherein the (Wild Ferrets) began attacking random college students (who called the cops), and your employer is fined by the city and the weasels are captured and are fed to anacondas, but dying of old age...? You never hear about that happening.

Well, I'm here to report I think S&A will actually set a record and it's quite possible a ferret will truly die of old age, if said ferrets remain in their care... From what I gather she's nuerotic in her care of her/their weasels and spends a great deal of money on weasel "check-ups. Props to her...

Other news, my wife and I got our DBA, TAX ID, Import/Export License, and finished paying off our breeding Amazon Basin Emeralds this week. Also, I bring in my first African shipment or at least get my first CITES permits on Monday, could be a week after before the shipment arrives, but first I have to go through USFW to make sure the paperwork is legit, now I only have 1274 things left on my to do list. Fuckin' A.

My kid, the one who needs a blog, asked the wif and I who "Jesus" was recently... We are into the "So, what do you think.." school of parenting... So when I asked Rhett, "Well, who do you think Jesus is?" His reply was beautiful...

Rhett says "Jesus was a singer..." and "He doesn't bite."

I'll leave you with this. Because I it made me laugh and I think I'll be buying it....

http://www.mcphee.com/items/11554.html

What the world needs now...

"is another folk singer like I need a hole in my head!"

Note to reader: If your looking for humour, you'd better put on a Stephen Wright CD, not reading this crap, at least not today.

Interestingly enough those words were written by "David Lowery" lead singer of the band "cracker" and a major creative force in the band "Camper Van Beethoven." I'm probably dating myself -in terms of age- here a bit, but it pretty much sums up my feeling on life in general today.

He himself, was nothing more than a modern day, self deprecating folk singer caught up in mid 90's alt rock.

I kinda had the feeling from an outsiders perspective, especially after listening to "EuroTrash Girl" on repeat for ages, that he, like me, always felt like a failure. Didn't matter, his success, just always seemed like he was trying to meet a personal goal that couldn't be personally met.

Today, I'm feeling like that. See I've never succeded at anything. Truth be told, my whole persona is bullshit. Today was the WIF's birfday. I couldn't summon a party, and the present "I" got her was a bedroom set, comforter, pillows, sheets, that she picked out, and put on layaway, at Marshalls, months ago.

I'm not a great dad, I only hope that R and E inherit their mothers traits, and not my bullshit.

Don't get me wrong, I try, but sometimes, trying just isn't enough, and I don't have the answers, I'm a prick, who spends too much time in his head, problem is, I just don't know how to get out...

You know I'd kill for my kids, friends, and family, I just don't know if I'm worth their time...

And sometimes I don't know that I'm worth mine....

It's true that I am 'good' at some things, but I am a master at 'nothing'... I have actually succeeded at nothing in my life... EVER. I truly have no idea why she (WIF) still hangs around.

Here is some interesting shit, I have been hospitalized 5 times for mental - (let's just call a duck a duck) for losing my mind. I recently lost my job, have no idea, whether my new business will be successfull, and have given nobody including myself any reason to trust, or believe that I can actually do this.

Sometimes, tonight especially, I feel like a caricature of myself, a lie, an actor, who plays a part, that people think is funny and tragic at the same time. I'm the guy with the "verbal tick", who occasionally is fun to laugh with, but sometimes inside , I'm just... I'm just that little kid scared as hell, and hoping it'll be over soon.

I love my family, my friends, my children, but if the truth be known.... I'm little, small, insignificant, and ego-centric. I'm a sheep in lambs clothing.... I am not good enough for my family. I am a terrible provider, a farce, and a weight.

And despite all that, she loves me.... And they love me... She believes in me.... Would someone please speak to her! Seriously!

On a side note my dad and my step-mom are going to see the OLD 97s at Stubbs in Austin tomorow, pretty cool.

My sister is the greatest, and I hope that she, Jerry and Peyton are well. My mom is in town, or rather Oklahoma and I love her, and to all of my friends "I love you also" ....

I just don't know if maybe someone should tell WIF, that she really deserves better... I know she does!

Funny thing is this is probably "news" to -NO-ONE- just my realization that I'm probably never gonna be that guy that I had always -hoped- to be. REAL........

A real good husband, father, provider, friend, lover, confidant, and most of all someone my children repect, because I earned it, not because I'm their father.....

Rhett, I love you, Evan I love you, Sarah, I love you.

S - Sorry about your birthday, I'll try and make it up to you.

BTW
Wilco, was tonight-UNMPWESDSLF and L_Bo went, hope they got me a t-shirt!

Not a funny post huh? but honest, at least with myself...

Kenny and the Jets!

Rednecks

As I mentioned in my last post, I have a new best friend. And he has allowed me entry into his world. Now, this chain of events transpired in an almost parallel universe, but it is all true and you should take note, as I’m sure at some point “Kenny” will have his own E! True Hollywood Story and you will be able to say… “you knew a guy who knew a guy”…

Last Saturday night started off as most do, WIF and I made dinner, watched TV, played with children, put said children to sleep and…

WIF said “I’m tired, Cya in the morning...”

DFH: (dumb f-ing husband) “Hey, stay up, I’m not tired yet...”

WIF: “Go play with your friend Kenny…”

DFH: “Don’t wanna…”

But of course I call the “K-DOG”. This is a nickname he tends to call himself.

So anyway, the “K-DOG” Says to me, He and “Lola” (not her real name BTW) are at a club and he (Remember he doesn’t actually own a car) would come pick me up. At this point he mentions he’d be at my house in 5 minutes… (Funny, I don’t know of any bars within 5 minutes driving distance)

Now, I do realize that I am in for an adventure here, but I had no idea, that I would be truthfully just happy to return home alive. We’ve all had those nights right, where you end up scratching your head or some other body part and just go “WTFWIT-ing?” right?

NO, just me… ok, well I do, it happens, won’t happen again with the “K-Dog” but it does on occasion… Someone once said “Hind-sight is always 20/20” – I’m gonna have to look that up in my “Quote Verifier” - terrific book and find out whom…. The WIF got me the book (Ralph Keyes), its awesome… Sorry, I’m off topic…

Kenny and “Lola” –AKA= Kim or to be referred to here as KFB – They arrive and Kenny starts to explain as I test the seat-belts in the back seat, that we are all going “Red necking”, at this point I’m like - “alright, I can hang, no stress”

This ends up being so much more than a 3 hour tour, and I do get stranded with someone named “Ginger”, but I’m not there yet.

Our merry band of revelers in search of redneck Mecca ends up at numerous strange bars, where surprisingly or not so surprisingly, everyone does actually know Kenny’s name. This most likely prevents me from getting the crap beat out of me at each progressively stranger location.

Throughout the night I mostly say very little and really only converse with KFB or “Lola”, as it turns out this was the alias she was using when she met the “K-DOG” and it kinda stuck.

I have to stop now for some explanations… First, when any group goes out to a bar or drinking or a party normally there is what I will call a party arc or group party arc. Think of this as a graph, starting when you leave the house or arrive at a bar/party as the low point, as everyone drinks and converses the party or GPA goes up, till it plateaus and then people begin leaving, get tired, go to bed… etc.

That being explained, I have since learned that Rednecks do not have a GPA nor does Kenny….

Crap..CRAP..Effing GD CRAP..

As Kenny converses with the locals KFB continually asks me “Are you OK?”

Answer to her “Fine” “No problems here”

In my head - “No, I’m not Fucking Fine “Lola” or “Kim” or whatever your effing name is… “I want to go home; I want all that is good, I don’t want to die….” “I wonder if she has any gum.”

Me to KFB: “Got any gum?”

KFB: “Yeah, I do…”

ME: “Great!”

KFB: “You know, Kenny makes me laugh, and we have an arrangement…”

ME: “Makes me laugh too, glad you got an arrangement...”

KFB: “We’re about to leave and head to a mutual friends…”

ME: “And then home?”

Kenny, has been gone conversing with other real rednecks and playing pool through most of this trip, but when he does actually slow down to talk with me the topics are so random, that I really have no idea what we’re talking about, so I have to stick by “Lola” to translate some seriously stoned meta-thinking on his part.

Hot-tubbing with Rednecks

This is where all hell breaks loose; we leave the 3^rd bar and head for “mutual friend’s house” His name also happens to be “Kenny”… How grand…

So we end up at the Redneck after-party hosted in a rundown house in god knows what municipality.

Our hosts, Kenny numero 2 and Miss Ginger, who was kinda hot by the way… Suggest we all hit the hot-tub. Now again, here is an issue – I see no suits and there are now 7 rednecks, 3 couples of “arrangements” and me….. FUCK.

Sensing that KFB’s party arc is beginning to register decline, and since there are wow 6 naked drunk red-necks getting into the hot-tub for “Lola” promises just 5 minutes, I’m like fine, I get in, due to the fact that now I’m the only asshole clothed and they want me to play guitar – I stick to my side and pray to god this isn’t like one of those creepy movies where they have “plans for me”…. Anyway after 5 minutes, “Lola” – can tell I’m uncomfortable- mentions to Kenny the sweetest of words… “I think we need to get him home”

And they do…

I get home explain to WIF how happy I am to be alive, and retire from Red-necking forever.

Kenny though, he’s a cool cat, just lives in a world I can only describe as “Supernatural!”

later

Fables of my reconstruction....

Vomit

Words come pretty easy to me, always have, I don’t know why… Now, this is not to say I’m eloquent or intelligent, most likely I’m quite the opposite. I’m totally socially inept and have a knack for saying the most asinine things at the most socially destructive times, (I’ve even been told I have a verbal tick) but as far as writing which is mostly just thoughts in random disorganized splatter, I’ve always been able to throw words around.

Why do you care, answer is you probably don’t, or at least shouldn’t.

Which brings me back to this blog…?

I feel the need to brain dump every now and again, and this is why I post this random shit.

Kenny

I have a new best friend, didn’t ask for one, but it happened. See WIF and I were doing the house remodel and got screwed by the contractor, so I enlisted a neighbor, who is 36 smokes a lot of "the pot" and lives with his parents, to “take care of them” ugh-huh…

Long story short he’s an electrician, so I paid him to help, and now all of the sudden I have a stoned “Kramer” on my hands always barging in or asking if I have papers,(Not USA Today) or could I drive him to get beer or whatever, not sure how to break up with him yet, but he is a nice although very odd fellow… Maybe he’ll dump me…. Crap.

The Pope

The Pope pissed off Muslims around the world this week, by quoting a 15th century Byzantine emperor who said: “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

Master P, missed a few things, 1st and foremost that Christianity was spread by the sword also, he may have been attempting to illustrate that all violence is against god, but what Muslim nations do in the streets, Christian nations do from the air.

Either way Muslims should take a page from MLK’s playbook, AND they also need to get a freaking’ sense of humour. So, the Pope’s a dick, no need to prove his point by having kids march in the streets with AK47’s.

Sarah C sent me this and I think it’s awesome. Penn Jillette is my new hero…

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5015557

Next DUMP…

ACL was this last weekend, and I missed it again, not that it was a great line-up, but I would have enjoyed at least seeing Ben Kweller stick the tampon up his nose.

http://ultra8201.blogspot.com/2006/09/kweller-acl-bloody-mess.htmlhttp:/www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2006/09/ben_kwellers_no.html

http://ultra8201.blogspot.com/2006/09/kweller-acl-bloody-mess.htmlhttp:/www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2006/09/ben_kwellers_no.html


How’s it hangin’?

The vasectomy or “Ball Business” as it has been referred to, has healed and I no longer feel the need to worry about our stock of Birds Eye frozen vegetable products.

Problem is: Although a eunuch, I am still unsure of my sterility. This is really just another way to say I’m having a mental block with those specimen cups Dr. Scrotum gave me to fill and bring to the lab.

Now in college, this would not have been a problem, as it was considered income….

In discussing my dilemma recently with a friend whom I’ll only refer to as “Alex” to protect his identity, the point was made that I am quote “lucky”…

His words were something to the affect of:

“From the time I was like 14 to this very afternoon, masturbation has been an entirely self-directed show, but you actually have a Dr. requiring you to do it!.” “Yippee!”

I added the “Yippee!” part “Alex” didn’t say that, and if he had wanted to express that he would have used a much better word… “he or she is a real smart guy.”

Although true, It’s hard (pardon the pun) to get up (can’t help myself) to masturbate on command (especially since my nurse fantasy has been forever negatively altered) for (which sounds really sick) or because your Dr. requested it, not that there is anything wrong with the act, It’s just the mechanics of the cup and thinking about Dr. Scrot that really make the whole thing seem unsavory/impossible.

Edumacatin…

I am lecturing a group of boy scouts this Friday on Reptiles and Amphibians, (damn I really could have used some sort of a segue between topics…. (Sounded better in my head)

Despite the fact that I fundamentally oppose the political stance of the organization, I really enjoy teaching / educating kids on this stuff and think the kids will really dig the show and tell aspect of the talk. Hopefully, it will make them more interested in the world around them, and less likely to kill any animal that might cross their paths on one of their “uh-ummm” camping trips…. hehe… It’s a joke people.

FAM

Along those lines, the remodel WIF and I were doing on the house is complete. She is my partner and best friend. Oh, and the kids are good, Rhett’s now 6’4” and Evan is rolling back and forth – he’s an ambi-roller!

He’ll be 5 months Sept 24

Things that only interest me….

Gas prices are down…
Mid-terms are 6 weeks away…
Coincidence?

Republicans using 9/11 as a stump speech about IRAQ…..

I was having a convo with someone tonight about the fact, that we are living in a vacuum in this country at the moment and it is a brainwash. We have become so retarded that we communicate via e-mail about everything, instead of actually talking. We no longer read news, just listen to sound-bytes. We are taking humanity away from humans and giving moral authority to bigots because they scream the loudest, we are so afraid of pissing everyone off… that even when we do communicate, we don't say what's really on our minds. Sometimes thinking people can become self destructive- in my opinion (- I am totally full of shit BTW -) due to frustration, that's why we find solace in studies like this one… Good night!

SMOKERS HAVE REDUCED RISKS OF ALZHEIMER'S AND PARKINSON'S DISEASE Patients with Alzheimer's disease (AD) have a considerably decreased life expectancy, with the entire course of the disease taking an average of about eight years. AD is defined by a specific combination of neuropathologic features that include neuronal loss in particular regions of the brain and a high density of senile plaques and neurofibrillary tangles. It is hard to distinguish during life because of other damage and dementias. As many as 80% of the cases may be unrecognized by general practitioners.
Acute administration of low doses of nicotine improved mental processes and may be protective in AD. This possibility was first put forward by Appel, who noted that only 6 out of 30 patients had smoked at any time in their lives. Since that time, nineteen case control studies have been published and are considered here. The overall from these showed a clear negative association, 15 out of 18 studies reporting a lower risk of AD in men and women who had smoked.
Of the 19 studies, 15 found a reduce risk in smokers, and none found an increased risk. And smoking is clearly associated with a reduced risk of Parkinson's disease, another disease in which nicotine receptors are reduced. The fact that acute administration of nicotine improves attention and information processing in AD patients adds further plausibility to the hypothesis.