Butt Cut
So, today I got a second "Butt Cut" and I don't mean the coiffure' variety.... I mean the "Butt" variety.
If you're laughing, YOU are a dick/bitch!
I would be, if it was you, AND I'd feel bad about laughing, but irrelevant.
Anyway, when Sarah was in the hospital, I got a 'prolapse' and the 'prolapse' became 'thrombotic' or clotted. CRAPPY DEAL!
So this was the 2nd surger on my bummer.
Now this being a little like the vasectomy post - there was a lot of humor in the involved process and intra personal doctor/patient communication, so I really don't give a damn that this is, in fact a part of the public domain.
Hence he will be referred to as:ASSMAN
So I go to see ASSMAN
CHECK IN at the RECTAL SURGERY CLINIC
Look through three or four AARP magazines and wait for the inevitable....
ASSMAN: "jeremy moore"
ME: "guilty"
ASMMAN: "good to see you"
ME: "not happy to see you"
ASSMAN: "what's it been, almost 2 months?"
ME: "Yeah"
ASSMAN: " What you got"
ME: "A FUCKING PROBLEM"
ASSMAN: "assume the position"
ME: (In my head) FUCK FUCK FUCK
ME: (In my head) DON'T EVEN THINK THAT
ASSMAN: "the needle is going to hurt the most"
ME: (In my head) FUCK FUCK FUCK
ME: "OWWW!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
ASSMAN: "BREATHE"
ASSMAN: "scissors"
Blood and grossness and stitching ensue... As this hi jinks (noisy and mischievous merrymaking) is unfolding we began to chat....
I told him I think he owes me a dinner and he told me he agrees... He tells me there are only 3 places he wouldn't want to be stuck with a needle. Very apt conversation, considering we could both just pretend this wasn't happening.... (I TRIED, but PAIN IS a BITCH!)
Turns out we agree on a lot of things... Like the needle thing.
TOP WORST PLACES FOR A NEEDLE
#1 EYE
#2 PENIS
#3 ASSHOLE
He goes on to explain for some odd reason, (I hope he wasn't stoned) that some people who take Cialis the erectile dysfunction drug get 'Priopism' -an erection lasting 4 hrs or more- and the only way to cure PRIOPISM IS.............
#2 Shot to the: WANKER...
Fuck Cialis!!! - -Viagra all the way baby...
We now proceed to talk about the fact that there are REALLY only 3 TOP places you never want to hear your doctor use the word 'SCISSORS' as a command to an assistant in an operating room.
WORST PLACES FOR SCISSORS
#1 PENIS
#2 PENIS scratch that... Go with TONGUE, #2 TONGUE
#3 ASSHOLE
It seems I'm having a bad year, my stats are good... two top 3's ANYWAY....
ASSMAN: "scissors" and "I had Kristin already call in the Vicodin"
ME: "I LOVE KRISTIN!"
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be THANKFUL for what you HAVE, and be thankful nobody has recently stuck a needle in your eye or cut off your penis or tongue or vagina or whatever.
If you're laughing, YOU are a dick/bitch!
I would be, if it was you, AND I'd feel bad about laughing, but irrelevant.
Anyway, when Sarah was in the hospital, I got a 'prolapse' and the 'prolapse' became 'thrombotic' or clotted. CRAPPY DEAL!
So this was the 2nd surger on my bummer.
Now this being a little like the vasectomy post - there was a lot of humor in the involved process and intra personal doctor/patient communication, so I really don't give a damn that this is, in fact a part of the public domain.
Hence he will be referred to as:ASSMAN
So I go to see ASSMAN
CHECK IN at the RECTAL SURGERY CLINIC
Look through three or four AARP magazines and wait for the inevitable....
ASSMAN: "jeremy moore"
ME: "guilty"
ASMMAN: "good to see you"
ME: "not happy to see you"
ASSMAN: "what's it been, almost 2 months?"
ME: "Yeah"
ASSMAN: " What you got"
ME: "A FUCKING PROBLEM"
ASSMAN: "assume the position"
ME: (In my head) FUCK FUCK FUCK
ME: (In my head) DON'T EVEN THINK THAT
ASSMAN: "the needle is going to hurt the most"
ME: (In my head) FUCK FUCK FUCK
ME: "OWWW!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
ASSMAN: "BREATHE"
ASSMAN: "scissors"
Blood and grossness and stitching ensue... As this hi jinks (noisy and mischievous merrymaking) is unfolding we began to chat....
I told him I think he owes me a dinner and he told me he agrees... He tells me there are only 3 places he wouldn't want to be stuck with a needle. Very apt conversation, considering we could both just pretend this wasn't happening.... (I TRIED, but PAIN IS a BITCH!)
Turns out we agree on a lot of things... Like the needle thing.
TOP WORST PLACES FOR A NEEDLE
#1 EYE
#2 PENIS
#3 ASSHOLE
He goes on to explain for some odd reason, (I hope he wasn't stoned) that some people who take Cialis the erectile dysfunction drug get 'Priopism' -an erection lasting 4 hrs or more- and the only way to cure PRIOPISM IS.............
#2 Shot to the: WANKER...
Fuck Cialis!!! - -Viagra all the way baby...
We now proceed to talk about the fact that there are REALLY only 3 TOP places you never want to hear your doctor use the word 'SCISSORS' as a command to an assistant in an operating room.
WORST PLACES FOR SCISSORS
#1 PENIS
#2 PENIS scratch that... Go with TONGUE, #2 TONGUE
#3 ASSHOLE
It seems I'm having a bad year, my stats are good... two top 3's ANYWAY....
ASSMAN: "scissors" and "I had Kristin already call in the Vicodin"
ME: "I LOVE KRISTIN!"
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember to be THANKFUL for what you HAVE, and be thankful nobody has recently stuck a needle in your eye or cut off your penis or tongue or vagina or whatever.
posted by DJ KFC and the Pot Pan Kitchen Posse at 10:23 AM
2 Comments:
hey jer - i just caught up on all of your entries and i must say - this first one was ideal for easing back into that which is your blog.
sorry to hear about the scissors to your anus. and, no, i don't want to see your scar.
we need to hang out soon, but i am kind of booked until mid december. love you!
I now feel better about my traitor bladder. We're fucking falling apart.
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