"Have you ever blogged about my ass?"

"Have you ever blogged about my ass?" This is what my wife says to me at 11:30 pm Saturday. She doesn't own a donkey or burro, so you can rule that out immediately. So,that particular question, when asked, is apt to catch anyone off guard, even if one may have some particular assful wisdom or information to share. Ass, never really rolls off the tongue, or through the fingers easily and or without shit flying everywhere, so the question made me giggle and possibly pee just a little. The question itself was funny, but mainly the seriousness of the tone.... struck me.... (Not literally - focus fuckers...) It was a real, and sincere question. To which I replied "huh... wtf? no" - but since she threw it out there, I'm gonna have to work with it... walk through it, or chip it, I'm just not sure how to do it justice quite yet.... Either way, "I love you honey!"


Stay tuned for "Why is there butt-cream in my make-up container?"

PEDS X - ing?

Yesterday I knew two things.

First that the only spacious handicapped stall I feel comfortable enough to poop in (while at work and only when I absolutely cannot hold it till I get home) would be occupied. This part never fails, and secondly that maybe I had “a” little boy with a thyroid problem.

When I left work I knew three things. First I was right about my first assumption, so I had to go to the mezzanine level to poop comfortably, and I still had one infant with a possible thyroid problem and now may need to worry about our 2 and ½ year old who also seems to have a thyroid issue.

I think maybe our pediatrician hates me, or maybe I hate her…. Not sure yet, but I find it unsettling and maybe a bit scary that I seem to be putting this puzzle together more quickly than the very people who specialize in this shit.

I know, the 2 people who actually read this (including myself) are aware, my wife and I had another little boy (premature) like 9 weeks ago… His name is Evan. Apparently he is having some trouble with his thyroid, now as I understand it – at least according to the state of Texas (they sent us a letter) – this condition – if left untreated – could result in: a helmet and a small yellow bus picking him up for SPECIAL school (where he would learn not to stick a fork in his eye, and not to put urine into squirt guns etc)….

Obviously, this possibility of hypothyroidism scares and alarms me on so many levels, because his brother is so very smart, and you naturally want the best for your children in every regard. AND there are most likely many (from what I understand) ways to solve this problem with supplements and changes in diet that will enhance not hinder his brain development in the slightest. (And probably make all of us a bit healthier in the process)

As this process from Evan’s birth to now has unfolded, we have done 3 separate thyroid tests, not to mention, or actually maybe simply TO mention he was a preemie, so there were other issues to begin with.

Evan and Rhett’s new Pediatrician has been testing away, each time with varying test results… All of them different; some better, some worse etc. The third sets of tests were bad again, so at this point on Thursday I choose to call the boys new pediatrician about this and the fact that Rhett has been running a high fever for over a day. This gets complicated so I will refer to our current pediatrician as PED1.

My hope is that I will get some news on Evan as well, and to address some additional concerns. My hope is also that PED1 has talked with Rhett’s previous pediatrician whom I’ll call PED2 (She really rocked, but we moved to FW) in order to compare notes and that She in turn will have already relayed this information to the Endocrinologist.
(Referred to as ENDO below)

My hope is by the time I call HE (ENDO) will have more history and with this information will better be able to order additional tests and / or begin supplementation that he deems appropriate to further speed up the process to some extent, so Evan won’t be getting more special by the day… (I don’t think he is, but what do I know about brain development at 9 weeks or so…?) All I can do is compare that to what I do know, Rhett, and Rhett was smiling, cooing, and tracking objects at this point already. I’m concerned and would like to share these concerns with PED1, not Nurse Practitioner or receptionist. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) they are referred to as (NP) and (REC) respectfully of course.

I call around 11:00 am it went like this.

Me: Is PED1 available, this is Jeremy?
REC: No, Is she expecting your call?
ME: You already answered the question, but if it will make you feel better- umm Maybe?
REC: Let me ask NP….. Long Silence
NP: Jeremy, how did you know I needed to speak with you?
ME: (In my head) Didn’t call to speak with you…
ME to NP: Sixth sense, I guess…
ME: (in my head) Cause you guys and the state keep telling me my kid could need a helmet…
NP: Great, hey PED1 talked to ENDO they want to run the tests again in 2 weeks?
ME: How bout now? PED2 said you may want to put Evan on supplements and PED1 has seen both kids, but seems to be missing the fact that he is huge and also had a thyroid issue. PED2 also said there may be cause for concern for Rhett if his body keeps growing so fast.
ME: What about Rhett has anyone looked at his chart? I believe he had a thyroid issue early on.
NP: Let me get it… (Long Silence)
NP: Now that I have them side by side…. Who’s so tall in your family?
ME: Nobody I’m aware of…
NP: So, according to his chart he’s like the size of most 4 year olds.
ME: Yeah is that a problem?
NP: Does he have any black leg hair?
ME: Yeah, I was concerned about that?
NP: (Long Silence) Does he have any pubic hair?
ME: WTF? – No, but what are you getting at?
NP: Does he have what you would consider, exceptionally large genitalia as compared with other kids…?
ME: Umm well, he plays with older kids cause he’s so big, and I’m not in the habit of looking at their genitals, (Now I’m all paranoid on a number of levels) but it is HUGE and he didn’t get that from me…. I just thought he was blessed.
NP: I need to speak to PED1 and can you get PED2 to give us a call.

So, Rhett is sick and I take him to PED1 after calling PED2 and actually speaking to her….
I get an appointment with PED1 and it turns out that PED1 has not even talked to PED2, Rhett has strep throat – sucks – he feels terrible, but PED1 gives him some penicillin and says after NP suggests it: Can you go and get these tests and a bone age scan done on Rhett, we need to send him to the endocrinologist.

ME: Will this mean we will be getting new tests for Evan sooner? Why wait 2 more weeks?
PED1: His tests would probably be bad again, if we ran them now.
ME: Then why aren’t we running different tests? (To myself: Dumb Bitch!)
ME: Is there any more new information about Rhett that will change the test or diagnoses ENDO wants to do on Evan?
PED1: We have to trust ENDO’s methodology.
ME: (To Myself) Not if it's based on your DBA. =Dumb Bitch Assessments)
PED1: But, yeah, Rhett’s been way off the growth charts for over a year and a half.
ME: Have you mentioned that to ENDO?
PED1: No, but he can see them separately.
ME: How about together with their respective tests that haven’t even been ordered yet for comparison? (To myself: CrackWhore!)
PED1: That’s a very good idea, I’ll check……

So, my real question is: what the fuck? Why didn’t they look at these kids and compare…. I don’t want Dirk and Sam, when I can have Rhett and Evan…. Very easily…

I know I’m being overzealous; shouldn’t she (PED1) be also at this point?

I’m sure that they’ll get it figured out and everything will be just fine, but in the mean time we’re stuck worrying.

Unfortunately, that’s what I do superbly well.

UMPWESDSLMF

Last night I was accused of being “sappy” although I think it may have been intended as a compliment. It went something like this.

Me: what’s up?

Unnamed, man purse wearing, Elliot Smith dedication song loving, metrosexual, friend: About to go to sleep…

Me: (to myself) it’s only like midnight on a Wednesday….

Me: (to UMPWESDSLMF) Really? Sorry man…”

UMPWESDSLMF: When you write it’s all sappy….

Me: Pot

UMPWESDSLMF: Kettle

Me: night…

There was obviously more to it than that, but that was the gist… In this installment I will prove to myself mainly and all you “haters” how I roll….

From now on:

1. I’m no longer gonna go shoe shopping with any of you again, ever…. If you need shoes pick em out yourselves, I got better shit to do than be telling you how your feet look… Aight!
2. Next time you deserve a “thank you” card, you’re just getting an e-mail…. “Awww…. SNAP!”
3. If I make you dinner, from this point forward, you’ll have to be getting your own drink and making your own plate, unless you are my wife or child, in which case, I’m sorry for offending you and will do as I’m told…..

The really funny thing is, I can only come up with 3 new ways to make myself more macho and less “sappy”……..

I’m all about the “sapp” whether it be “tree”, “warren” or “y”

Dick...

But I mean that in the “sappiest” of ways… you know that……

High Crimes

I just read Kenneth Lay – died today of a massive heart attack…

Some people, who lost everything during the downfall of Enron, may find a little satisfaction in this. Some people will say “He never got the punishment he deserved…” He WAS vacationing in ASPEN for Christ sake!!! “Rich people go to Jail when they are good and ready” yadda, yadda, yadda…

Don’t get me wrong he most likely did commit at least some of the crimes he was accused of, and should have been held accountable in some way for those mistakes… And I know it may seem as though I’m defending the guy, you’ll have to follow me a bit…

Hundreds if not thousands of people were affected in a negative way or were utterly financially ruined due to the actions that he and others at the top may have willing and knowingly taken.

My problem is this, and YES, I’m still a tree hugging, hippie, commie, pinko, liberal, rat, whose questions about our government’s policies make me completely unpatriotic in the eyes of those who disagree…. Those who live on sound bites and slogans, and actually BELIEVE that the “No Child Left Behind Act” actually leaves no children “BEHIND.” Etc.

My problem is that this guy no doubt did alot of damage, but didn’t he also do a lot of good… From what I know he gave millions to charity, helped create thousands of jobs, - granted most of those are gone now- and helped make “Houston “ a much more desirable city to live work and play.

The other thing I find interesting is that he gave lots of money to our president’s campaign, they were friends, he helped many “career” politicians get elected, and / or stay in office, and this was in return for political favors obviously.

So, to sum up: He gave millions to charity and asked for political favors – in return for those favors the FEDERAL Government benefited. They benefited by broadening the tax base, by revitalizing a city, by having more of the upper middle class voting for useless politicians that were not doing half as much locally to improve their districts as this guy was at the time.

And THEN, as power and money tend to do, it corrupted what by all accounts, had been a very good man and citizen, the lines got blurred somewhere... (Has that not happened to you? You've made mistakes, mistakes that were huge.) This entry isn’t about politics, but more about – just being human - Laws were broken, but were they broken to hide personal failure or were the “books cooked” (which they obviously were) to injure the company, its employees, their family, and the market overall. I tend to believe it was probably more of the former and less of the latter or maybe a combination.

The government and his “friends” needed a scapegoat, it’s probably not debatable that he was party to very questionable business practices, (as I said before – he deserved to be punished, but in a manner that would benefit his community) He was to be sentenced to about 45 years I believe – death sentence- and was facing up to 145 years on other counts….. Back to what I was getting at, the government that benefited from his success and questionable business practices also needed to dis-associate itself with the public face of this scandal. So, to prove they were less crooked, than these guys at Enron they spent millions of dollars destroying the man who helped make sure they were NEVER held accountable for their misuse, abuse, and “high crimes and misdemeanors”… This isn’t a republican or democrat thing, but a common sense issue.

No doubt the stress of his personal failure, his impending incarceration, and the destruction of his own family, contributed to his death. But so did the “American Dream” and all of us…………………………………….

Aww "Dirt!"

There is a lot of singing and music around our house, I don’t think it rots the brain (or at least I didn’t think so) the way TV tends to. Since I now have two children and have very fond memories of the music that was always playing when I was growing up, I developed an immense appreciation if not passion for all kinds of music, excluding anything played on a pop music radio station, but that goes without saying.

When Rhett was just learning to talk he would shout from the back seat “Jack Johnson” “Jack Johnson” and he has always seemed to enjoy two things music and animals…. Now, wanting to “raise him right” which also includes his new little brother… I have always tried to play music that I thought relevant, I still dig the JD song “This Old Guitar”, so I’m hoping they grow up and remember fondly the music we played in the house and also appreciate how universal it is…. BTW, they’re both going to be rock stars guaranteed…

Anyway, so instead of TV, they often get music…. With TV you have violence and sex – the sex part no big deal, but the violence not so cool, and children’s television can make me crazy – except the backyardigans – those kids can sing….

Rhett is at a very cool age and he has his favorite musicians and songs. Currently he is a big Ben Folds fan, now you’re thinking, “kid has good taste” right? Except he seems to think that The Ben Folds Five was “overrated” which actually comes out “ovulated” when asked….

My point, well the day yesterday started normally enough and as I am prone to do, I put on a record, err… mp3 and was cleaning the kitchen, and as Rhett is prone to do… He says “Better Song!” which if you have ever hung out with a 2 and a1/2 year old you will recognize, not as a statement but a command! So, I skipped ahead to another Ben Folds song called… Wait for it… “Bastard”…. Don’t call CPS, the song in my opinion has a few good life lessons to impart and is: forgive me as I’m a terrible role model, one of Rhett and Daddy’s favorites. So, I’m cleaning and singing and not really thinking about the lyrics too much when Ben and I sing out (loudly)… “The more you know, you know you don’t know…..” And I stopped – had no time to think- and Rhett sang clearly in key (Loudly) “Shit”…. I looked at him… He smiled and said “The Whiz Man" will never fit you like "The Whiz Kid" did…

So true......

Here are the lyrics if you aren't familar...

The old bastard left his ties and a suit A brown box Moth balls and bowling shoes And his opinions so you'd never have to choose

Pretty soon you'll be an old bastard too You get smaller as the world gets big The more you know you know you don't know shit "The Whiz Man" will never fit you like "The Whiz Kid" did
So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know? It's okay if you don't know everything
Why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's okay If you don't know everything

Close your eyes Close your ears young man You've seen and heard all an old man can
Spread the facts on the floor like a fan
Throw away the ones that make you feel bad
Kids today are getting old too fast They can't wait to grow up so they can kiss some ass
They get nostalgic about the last ten years Before the last ten years have passed

So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's okay if you don't know everything
Why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's okay if you don't know everything

Tears land on a hand on a chest
The old bastard had a paradigm arrest
He got smaller and the world got big
The more he knew he knew he didn't know shit "The Whiz Man" never fit him like "The Whiz Kid" did

So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's ok if you don't know everything
Why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's ok if you don't know everything