the Vicks sniffer

Who are we? Where do we come from, where are we going? I think it something that all of us are constantly asking ourselves…. That’s an assumption based on what’s been throttling my psyche as of late. I’ve had several experiences recently where I became painfully aware (not that I would change anything) that I have reached a point in my life where it is not easy, realistic, or in most cases even possible for me to explain how I got here… I mean ‘here” in the metaphorical sense as in my personal history. I guess that’s why I hold on so tightly to those individuals who don’t need any explanation. I’ve said it before and I’ll write it again, I can’t add anymore friends or family members to my small circle until one of you dies… Not a pleasant thought, but until there’s a vacancy, I just can’t take any applications. I don’t spend enough time listening to you all as it is.

The things I’ve come to realize are, you love your family and your friends for reasons known and unknown, they are the collective sum of your experience and your history, which is really cool, especially when they are as honest and thoughtful as mine are and have been. I know I’m the kind of guy who compartmentalizes his life, very George Costanza of me, (I too, enjoy eating a block of cheddar cheese on the couch wearing nothing but my underwear), but I digress…

You guys compartmentalize as well, I’m positive, but as a group you, (and you know who you are) are my past, present and future.

You make me laugh, (All the time) you have dry-cleaned T-shirts, with sweat stains on them – Heavy starched them no less- taken me on ski trips where I stayed liquored up on Nyquil…
You have put spinners on your dirt bike trailer; made me dinner and entertained me to no end, you have helped me build beeramids, -though it pissed off your wife and or girlfriends- and played Mario Cart till the wee hours of the morning…
You have taken me in, physically and metaphorically…. You have listened to my shit, given advice, (much of which I didn’t take) and sometimes money…
You have trusted me and made fun of me…. You have told me when I was out of line, and kicked my ass when I deserved it. You have served as examples in generosity, love, parenting and patience…
You have played guitar with me or listened to my shitty scatterbrained guitar playing….
You have made me wiser and introduced me to things that I hold dear….

In return, I have given you ativan, stories of incompetence, and hopefully a laugh now and then….

I find as I get closer to the kind of person I hope to be, that you realize, I love you guys because I don’t have to explain how I got here, only that I wouldn’t be here without you.

Consider yourselves…considered

My Wife and the PLO

So, tonight I told my sister I’d taken to blogging per her advice. I think in all honesty she had told me to start a blog not because she thinks I’m witty or have anything particularly interesting to impart to the blogosphere, but rather most likely to get me to stop talking.

See, I tend to verbally vomit on anyone or anything available on almost any occasion about pretty much anything zinging about my brain at any given time. “Look that dog has a fluffy tail!” kind of shit. To help you understand, I’ll give an example.

My wife actually fell asleep tonight while I was answering a question SHE asked ME? How does that work? Let that soak in…. So, she says “Hey, what’s up with Israel getting all bent out of shape today?” As I proceed to explain the inner workings of a Hamas led government vs. that of the PLO and its impact on Israeli / Palestinian relations, the spread of terrorist tactics and the kidnappers demands she actually started snoring…. Granted she probably didn’t need to hear my thoughts on the Old Testament, but come on, that’s just plain disrespectful…. Right?

If this kind of crap has ever happened to you, face it, you are a “talker” On more than one occasion I have been talking to someone on my cell, or at least thought I was, and then after or rather between thoughts, noticed an eerie silence, not like sling blade silence or anything, but the silence that indicates the person on the wrong end of your convo has either a: fallen asleep…. refer to (”wife” exhibit a.1 above) or b: your cell call was dropped and you realize that it’s possible and very likely you have been talking to yourself for 3 minutes.

I figure this blogging thing may in fact help me, which is probably what my sister was trying to do. It might be a cyber form of a twelve step program for the “chatty”….

Step one: write it down Jer, if we want to know what you’re thinking we’ll read it, don’t want to ask you and end up late for work….
Step two: seriously, didn’t that sound better in your head; it’s like that time you tried to impress people with your ghetto dancing skills….
Step three: don’t ask anyone to read your damn blog.

fuck step 3, if I’m not talking, you bitches better be reading, cause I forgot all the baby sign language I learned before my first kid could talk, you know what that little dude needs a blog, Christ he never shuts up.

Step four: No wonder alcoholics’ relapse this is a bunch of crap to remember.
Step five: I think I get a token or something.
Step Six: Never talk about Fight Club….

You get the idea, or I guess more accurately I’m getting the idea….

skipping kicks ass

”What a comfort to find out you’re losing your mind when you re-realize that it’s not the first time” That is an interesting bit of witty and truthful prose from Evan Dando. BTW – Also the first name of my second little boy. I’ve always been interested in song lyrics. They speak to me unlike poems, music and words come together to form the emotion as a whole. This is something -a would be songwriter- (as in wish I could) like myself, or anyone just really interested in human emotion finds compelling. It’s what makes people “fanatical”.

I’ve always found the best songs to be all of the following combined: honest, self deprecating, funny and relatable. Such is life right? I guess that’s what brings me here…. Literally right here typing on this little black keyboard talking to… well, I don’t know who… and wondering what I’ll find in this little mind of mine to make up for the fact that I probably lost most of my marbles around 1994. and... GASP! It’s happening again. When you are losing your mind Evan is right, it’s a comfort to find out you’ve done it before and survived.

Maybe I just feel lost in the 2 months since my second child; a son called Evan – his brother is Rhett – (Old’97’s fan) has been born. BTW, I love him more than life. His dad was not going to be the “man in the gray flannel suit”, but he is… Maybe I’ve been ready to leave this job since I started. I’m a something else dammitt and I’m built for something else. I’m missing too much fun. I feel like I’m also missing life. Some people were meant for life in a cubicle telling others how they should be operating their computers. That person is simply just not me. I should mention now I have nothing against those of you who live in cubicles and like the office banter associated with corporate life. I’m simply stating a fact. It’s making me crazy. My life is very much not dissimilar to Bill Murray’s life in the movie “Ground Hogg Day” - I think I spelled Hogg like Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard back there in the last sentence.- forgive me.?

Anyway my professional life is a combination of that and the movie “Office Space”. Same shit everyday, not to mention there were problems with my Slim32 reports this month. And no shit I actually work with an application called TPS and it has reports, due, with coversheets….totally not making that up. If you’ve seen those movies or listened to a little Evan Dando some of this or at least bits of this may make sense. If on the other hand you are already what I’m turning into… Someone who gets excited about juice boxes and office parties I say this now for the good of humanity- Leave… LEAVE, get up from your chair, and go outside, skip down the street with your arms at your sides and both hands / fingers locked into a perpetually downward pointed F-U bird. It will make all of us feel better, and best of all I’ll feel more liberated because I won’t be the only one doing it.

My mom didn't raise a quitter....

Am I looking for trouble? I tend to think I may be. You see I just quit smoking. I had/have to… Dr’s orders and wife’s, child’s, dog’s neighbors, sisters, mothers etc. You name anyone and “they” want “me” to quit. I recently found out I have high blood pressure; I’m like 30 or so, what’s up with that crap. By all accounts I’m the result of natural selection gone terribly awry, but high blood pressure, less carbs or is it more carbs, manic depression and stress? WTF? Dude, there should be some kind of conception interview where a zygote can go… “Nah, sounds like a real pain in the ass.” That’s for another day though huh?

Quitting… I have quit again and by that I mean I am smoking less and intend to quit completely in the very near future and the current decrease in nicotine I am receiving is directly reflected in the current increase I feel in annoyance and just plain anger at most anyone who crosses my path without a cigarette to offer. First, you must understand my dilemma, I smoke like an alcoholic drinks. You will see should you decide to continue further that my arc is comparable not only in reasons/excuses, (Of which there are many) but how I continued, why I love it, and now how I’ve reached rock bottom. First I need to go downstairs and take a break.

Now, I feel much better. As I was saying, there is really no difference between myself and an alcoholic. I don’t believe there is any such thing as an ex-smoker. Henceforth ex-smokers will simply be referred to as “they” or “them” or the “Yea rights”. I know a few and by that I mean a lot of ex smokers and they are just as full of crap as I am. If you are one of those people who bought “Body Solutions” and thought you could really lose weight while you slept, than you know what “they” are selling… I just can’t/won’t/don’t and have to buy it, all at the same time, and for the same reasons you bought the “Body Solutions….” The thing that I can’t get around is the fake cough that “they” use when “they” even think they smell smoke, or the ability of “they have” to tell almost anyone who resembles a hominoid how long they have been smoke-free. I bet most ex smokers that you know around the office or among your group of friends can and do rattle off this info surreptitiously especially around “us” smokers.

For me, watching this pitiful group and knowing I must soon join “them” is just another sign I’m growing up, losing my mojo, not to mention my hip cool edginess I always envisioned I possessed. Whether or not I was ever cool or edgy is debatable, but I know this. I didn’t used to get made fun of by 13 year old skater kids when I was in the 18-24 demographic. I was still better because I could buy beer and cigarettes. I could drive and legally get laid. Not anymore… I’ll tell you more about the skater kids later...

Up until recently when a friend told me they were quitting I felt a sense of loss like, “Damn, we lost another one” to “the man”, you know what I’m talking about. When you were courting the nicotine devil in your early days there was a sense of rebellion about it, and there still is; only you’ve now become the “man” so why stick it to yourself? It just doesn’t make any sense.

When a person first experiments with anything and most people do. There are but two different results. One either has a bad experience and says “This ---- is not for me!” or they go “Wow, I really dig this!” I fell or inhaled myself into the second category. Too bad for me, I felt good, it was rebellion and that was very punk rock at the time. At this point smoking was simply social. And then… I started smoking by myself to clear my head, to relax, to catch a break, and finally because I was addicted and it was also a habit I enjoyed.

I’ve tried to quit before mind you, I’ve tried becoming a social smoker, or to only smoke when I have a drink with the alcoholics. Here’s the problem, like them, I’m VERY social. I also finally figured something else out on this journey; alcoholics keep drinking because they are smokers. They just smoke socially.

Now, I have high blood pressure. I am the man. I have a child REN, and I’m obviously not very punk rock anymore. Oh, and did I mention I get made fun of by groups of 13 year old skater kids? I’m going to quit smoking, but I’ll always be a smoker, just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. Man, I need a cigarette… I’m going to find a “Yea Right!” to talk me down from this nicotine ledge right now. Then, I’m going to tell the world how long I’ve been smoke free and make fun of you smokers left out in the cold, or I’ll just cough in your general direction. You’ll get the point. I’m you… And when you are ready, I’m sure I can scrounge up a bottle of Body Solutions and we can discuss….

The L Word

Taking back the word

It’s June of 2006 and this being a year of politics actually the beginning of a political slug-fest in which insults and promises are hurled around like baseballs at a major league training camp I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my own political affiliation.

You see, I am what is commonly referred to as a liberal. Where I live they actually put the letter “a” in front of the word liberal in any sentence to denote the fact that not only are we different, but thankfully few in number. It is not easy being a (Insert scrunched face and negative tone here) liberal in the state that I live in. This is definitely what could be described as a conservative state.

As I mentioned, I’ve been recently thinking about the insults I will soon be hearing around the office / mall / water cooler (Insert favorite location here). Now these insults will not be directed at me personally you understand, but toward liberals in general. Again if you happen to be a liberal in the state where I reside you simply don’t make much noise about it. You don’t want to be stared at like a Zebra running the Kentucky Derby. It’s best to just keep this tid-bit of personal failure to yourself in most cases.

This year though I’m a man on a mission. My mission is to “out” all of you closet liberals and make you think about your accomplishments as well as those of your kind. I started my mission anew a few weeks ago when I heard Hillary’s speech – you know the one in which she ran away from any possible timeline for a troop draw down in Iraq. She doesn’t want to endanger the nomination in 08’ by being labeled a “cut and run” liberal right? Guess what lady, big ideas are what is needed in a new prez and if you don’t have the “balls” (forgive the pun) then you have no chance. All is looking up in conservative land if we don’t take back the word. Kerry to his credit, at the same event – admitted a mistake, co-authored a resolution, and seems to at least be embracing the fact that liberals can win a catch phrase war, and get us out of this open ended BSW our “My Pet Goat” idiot in chief has gotten us into while ignoring people, deficits, poverty, and schools and the deaths of civilians and our own brave soldiers who probably joined the service to get an education. Why is it that in many if not most cases the poor or middle class must always pay for their wealthy brethren’s mistakes in the worst possible ways?

Liberal Democrats should be proud of authoring liberal legislation and I and all of YOU - should be proud to call ourselves liberals. The “L”word, and I’m not talking about the Lesbian show on cable, which is actually pretty good, although I really think they should be including many more gratuitous Lbow sex scenes than they did this season – don’t you? (Maybe next season) is tossed around like it’s not only derogatory but an outright zinger of an insult. Now I ask all of you to go to a thesaurus or dictionary and look up liberal. Let’s examine “the L word” first then we’ll move on to a little compare and contrast not to mention long division if everyone plays nice.

If you look in your thesaurus for synonyms to liberal you will find the following words: open-minded, freethinking, moderate, and tolerant among others. These are not only traits I’m proud of, but traits that built this country and traits that we should all be proud of. I’d say giving women the right to vote was a good liberal idea. Civil rights that was a pleasant liberal concept right? Oh, I’ve got another, how about democracy? Here’s a zinger… I wonder if Jesus of Nazareth were alive today if he would be conservative or liberal? You know that guy had to be a hippie, if during the second coming he doesn’t show up in a smoke filled 68’ VW Bus, then I’ll get a purple jump suit some black Nike’s and try and board a comet… Think about it and get back to me on that.

In the interest of producing a fair and balanced op/ed to this blog, I should probably give you some information on the word conservative. As in “Man, don’t worry he’s conservative like us.” I’m going to have you get back out your thesaurus now… Sorry. Let’s look at the word “conservative” as I said I’m just trying to be fair and balanced. Now, the words that are synonymous with conservative in my thesaurus are the following: traditional, conventional, conformist, old-school, unadventurous.

Which way are we going as a country, or better yet which way should we go as a world community? Luckily that’s for all of us to decide

My point though is simple. This political season liberal is not an insult people. So, to sum up… In this year of political hardball really…. (When will anyone other than that blind reporter ask a real question?) Anyway the use of the word liberal as a political insult this season won’t work unless we really don’t get our collective heads out of our collective asses. It’s soo -contract with america…

skeet skeet tom skerritt……