Kenny and the Jets!

Rednecks

As I mentioned in my last post, I have a new best friend. And he has allowed me entry into his world. Now, this chain of events transpired in an almost parallel universe, but it is all true and you should take note, as I’m sure at some point “Kenny” will have his own E! True Hollywood Story and you will be able to say… “you knew a guy who knew a guy”…

Last Saturday night started off as most do, WIF and I made dinner, watched TV, played with children, put said children to sleep and…

WIF said “I’m tired, Cya in the morning...”

DFH: (dumb f-ing husband) “Hey, stay up, I’m not tired yet...”

WIF: “Go play with your friend Kenny…”

DFH: “Don’t wanna…”

But of course I call the “K-DOG”. This is a nickname he tends to call himself.

So anyway, the “K-DOG” Says to me, He and “Lola” (not her real name BTW) are at a club and he (Remember he doesn’t actually own a car) would come pick me up. At this point he mentions he’d be at my house in 5 minutes… (Funny, I don’t know of any bars within 5 minutes driving distance)

Now, I do realize that I am in for an adventure here, but I had no idea, that I would be truthfully just happy to return home alive. We’ve all had those nights right, where you end up scratching your head or some other body part and just go “WTFWIT-ing?” right?

NO, just me… ok, well I do, it happens, won’t happen again with the “K-Dog” but it does on occasion… Someone once said “Hind-sight is always 20/20” – I’m gonna have to look that up in my “Quote Verifier” - terrific book and find out whom…. The WIF got me the book (Ralph Keyes), its awesome… Sorry, I’m off topic…

Kenny and “Lola” –AKA= Kim or to be referred to here as KFB – They arrive and Kenny starts to explain as I test the seat-belts in the back seat, that we are all going “Red necking”, at this point I’m like - “alright, I can hang, no stress”

This ends up being so much more than a 3 hour tour, and I do get stranded with someone named “Ginger”, but I’m not there yet.

Our merry band of revelers in search of redneck Mecca ends up at numerous strange bars, where surprisingly or not so surprisingly, everyone does actually know Kenny’s name. This most likely prevents me from getting the crap beat out of me at each progressively stranger location.

Throughout the night I mostly say very little and really only converse with KFB or “Lola”, as it turns out this was the alias she was using when she met the “K-DOG” and it kinda stuck.

I have to stop now for some explanations… First, when any group goes out to a bar or drinking or a party normally there is what I will call a party arc or group party arc. Think of this as a graph, starting when you leave the house or arrive at a bar/party as the low point, as everyone drinks and converses the party or GPA goes up, till it plateaus and then people begin leaving, get tired, go to bed… etc.

That being explained, I have since learned that Rednecks do not have a GPA nor does Kenny….

Crap..CRAP..Effing GD CRAP..

As Kenny converses with the locals KFB continually asks me “Are you OK?”

Answer to her “Fine” “No problems here”

In my head - “No, I’m not Fucking Fine “Lola” or “Kim” or whatever your effing name is… “I want to go home; I want all that is good, I don’t want to die….” “I wonder if she has any gum.”

Me to KFB: “Got any gum?”

KFB: “Yeah, I do…”

ME: “Great!”

KFB: “You know, Kenny makes me laugh, and we have an arrangement…”

ME: “Makes me laugh too, glad you got an arrangement...”

KFB: “We’re about to leave and head to a mutual friends…”

ME: “And then home?”

Kenny, has been gone conversing with other real rednecks and playing pool through most of this trip, but when he does actually slow down to talk with me the topics are so random, that I really have no idea what we’re talking about, so I have to stick by “Lola” to translate some seriously stoned meta-thinking on his part.

Hot-tubbing with Rednecks

This is where all hell breaks loose; we leave the 3^rd bar and head for “mutual friend’s house” His name also happens to be “Kenny”… How grand…

So we end up at the Redneck after-party hosted in a rundown house in god knows what municipality.

Our hosts, Kenny numero 2 and Miss Ginger, who was kinda hot by the way… Suggest we all hit the hot-tub. Now again, here is an issue – I see no suits and there are now 7 rednecks, 3 couples of “arrangements” and me….. FUCK.

Sensing that KFB’s party arc is beginning to register decline, and since there are wow 6 naked drunk red-necks getting into the hot-tub for “Lola” promises just 5 minutes, I’m like fine, I get in, due to the fact that now I’m the only asshole clothed and they want me to play guitar – I stick to my side and pray to god this isn’t like one of those creepy movies where they have “plans for me”…. Anyway after 5 minutes, “Lola” – can tell I’m uncomfortable- mentions to Kenny the sweetest of words… “I think we need to get him home”

And they do…

I get home explain to WIF how happy I am to be alive, and retire from Red-necking forever.

Kenny though, he’s a cool cat, just lives in a world I can only describe as “Supernatural!”

later

Fables of my reconstruction....

Vomit

Words come pretty easy to me, always have, I don’t know why… Now, this is not to say I’m eloquent or intelligent, most likely I’m quite the opposite. I’m totally socially inept and have a knack for saying the most asinine things at the most socially destructive times, (I’ve even been told I have a verbal tick) but as far as writing which is mostly just thoughts in random disorganized splatter, I’ve always been able to throw words around.

Why do you care, answer is you probably don’t, or at least shouldn’t.

Which brings me back to this blog…?

I feel the need to brain dump every now and again, and this is why I post this random shit.

Kenny

I have a new best friend, didn’t ask for one, but it happened. See WIF and I were doing the house remodel and got screwed by the contractor, so I enlisted a neighbor, who is 36 smokes a lot of "the pot" and lives with his parents, to “take care of them” ugh-huh…

Long story short he’s an electrician, so I paid him to help, and now all of the sudden I have a stoned “Kramer” on my hands always barging in or asking if I have papers,(Not USA Today) or could I drive him to get beer or whatever, not sure how to break up with him yet, but he is a nice although very odd fellow… Maybe he’ll dump me…. Crap.

The Pope

The Pope pissed off Muslims around the world this week, by quoting a 15th century Byzantine emperor who said: “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

Master P, missed a few things, 1st and foremost that Christianity was spread by the sword also, he may have been attempting to illustrate that all violence is against god, but what Muslim nations do in the streets, Christian nations do from the air.

Either way Muslims should take a page from MLK’s playbook, AND they also need to get a freaking’ sense of humour. So, the Pope’s a dick, no need to prove his point by having kids march in the streets with AK47’s.

Sarah C sent me this and I think it’s awesome. Penn Jillette is my new hero…

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5015557

Next DUMP…

ACL was this last weekend, and I missed it again, not that it was a great line-up, but I would have enjoyed at least seeing Ben Kweller stick the tampon up his nose.

http://ultra8201.blogspot.com/2006/09/kweller-acl-bloody-mess.htmlhttp:/www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2006/09/ben_kwellers_no.html

http://ultra8201.blogspot.com/2006/09/kweller-acl-bloody-mess.htmlhttp:/www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2006/09/ben_kwellers_no.html


How’s it hangin’?

The vasectomy or “Ball Business” as it has been referred to, has healed and I no longer feel the need to worry about our stock of Birds Eye frozen vegetable products.

Problem is: Although a eunuch, I am still unsure of my sterility. This is really just another way to say I’m having a mental block with those specimen cups Dr. Scrotum gave me to fill and bring to the lab.

Now in college, this would not have been a problem, as it was considered income….

In discussing my dilemma recently with a friend whom I’ll only refer to as “Alex” to protect his identity, the point was made that I am quote “lucky”…

His words were something to the affect of:

“From the time I was like 14 to this very afternoon, masturbation has been an entirely self-directed show, but you actually have a Dr. requiring you to do it!.” “Yippee!”

I added the “Yippee!” part “Alex” didn’t say that, and if he had wanted to express that he would have used a much better word… “he or she is a real smart guy.”

Although true, It’s hard (pardon the pun) to get up (can’t help myself) to masturbate on command (especially since my nurse fantasy has been forever negatively altered) for (which sounds really sick) or because your Dr. requested it, not that there is anything wrong with the act, It’s just the mechanics of the cup and thinking about Dr. Scrot that really make the whole thing seem unsavory/impossible.

Edumacatin…

I am lecturing a group of boy scouts this Friday on Reptiles and Amphibians, (damn I really could have used some sort of a segue between topics…. (Sounded better in my head)

Despite the fact that I fundamentally oppose the political stance of the organization, I really enjoy teaching / educating kids on this stuff and think the kids will really dig the show and tell aspect of the talk. Hopefully, it will make them more interested in the world around them, and less likely to kill any animal that might cross their paths on one of their “uh-ummm” camping trips…. hehe… It’s a joke people.

FAM

Along those lines, the remodel WIF and I were doing on the house is complete. She is my partner and best friend. Oh, and the kids are good, Rhett’s now 6’4” and Evan is rolling back and forth – he’s an ambi-roller!

He’ll be 5 months Sept 24

Things that only interest me….

Gas prices are down…
Mid-terms are 6 weeks away…
Coincidence?

Republicans using 9/11 as a stump speech about IRAQ…..

I was having a convo with someone tonight about the fact, that we are living in a vacuum in this country at the moment and it is a brainwash. We have become so retarded that we communicate via e-mail about everything, instead of actually talking. We no longer read news, just listen to sound-bytes. We are taking humanity away from humans and giving moral authority to bigots because they scream the loudest, we are so afraid of pissing everyone off… that even when we do communicate, we don't say what's really on our minds. Sometimes thinking people can become self destructive- in my opinion (- I am totally full of shit BTW -) due to frustration, that's why we find solace in studies like this one… Good night!

SMOKERS HAVE REDUCED RISKS OF ALZHEIMER'S AND PARKINSON'S DISEASE Patients with Alzheimer's disease (AD) have a considerably decreased life expectancy, with the entire course of the disease taking an average of about eight years. AD is defined by a specific combination of neuropathologic features that include neuronal loss in particular regions of the brain and a high density of senile plaques and neurofibrillary tangles. It is hard to distinguish during life because of other damage and dementias. As many as 80% of the cases may be unrecognized by general practitioners.
Acute administration of low doses of nicotine improved mental processes and may be protective in AD. This possibility was first put forward by Appel, who noted that only 6 out of 30 patients had smoked at any time in their lives. Since that time, nineteen case control studies have been published and are considered here. The overall from these showed a clear negative association, 15 out of 18 studies reporting a lower risk of AD in men and women who had smoked.
Of the 19 studies, 15 found a reduce risk in smokers, and none found an increased risk. And smoking is clearly associated with a reduced risk of Parkinson's disease, another disease in which nicotine receptors are reduced. The fact that acute administration of nicotine improves attention and information processing in AD patients adds further plausibility to the hypothesis.