What the world needs now...
"is another folk singer like I need a hole in my head!"
Note to reader: If your looking for humour, you'd better put on a Stephen Wright CD, not reading this crap, at least not today.
Interestingly enough those words were written by "David Lowery" lead singer of the band "cracker" and a major creative force in the band "Camper Van Beethoven." I'm probably dating myself -in terms of age- here a bit, but it pretty much sums up my feeling on life in general today.
He himself, was nothing more than a modern day, self deprecating folk singer caught up in mid 90's alt rock.
I kinda had the feeling from an outsiders perspective, especially after listening to "EuroTrash Girl" on repeat for ages, that he, like me, always felt like a failure. Didn't matter, his success, just always seemed like he was trying to meet a personal goal that couldn't be personally met.
Today, I'm feeling like that. See I've never succeded at anything. Truth be told, my whole persona is bullshit. Today was the WIF's birfday. I couldn't summon a party, and the present "I" got her was a bedroom set, comforter, pillows, sheets, that she picked out, and put on layaway, at Marshalls, months ago.
I'm not a great dad, I only hope that R and E inherit their mothers traits, and not my bullshit.
Don't get me wrong, I try, but sometimes, trying just isn't enough, and I don't have the answers, I'm a prick, who spends too much time in his head, problem is, I just don't know how to get out...
You know I'd kill for my kids, friends, and family, I just don't know if I'm worth their time...
And sometimes I don't know that I'm worth mine....
It's true that I am 'good' at some things, but I am a master at 'nothing'... I have actually succeeded at nothing in my life... EVER. I truly have no idea why she (WIF) still hangs around.
Here is some interesting shit, I have been hospitalized 5 times for mental - (let's just call a duck a duck) for losing my mind. I recently lost my job, have no idea, whether my new business will be successfull, and have given nobody including myself any reason to trust, or believe that I can actually do this.
Sometimes, tonight especially, I feel like a caricature of myself, a lie, an actor, who plays a part, that people think is funny and tragic at the same time. I'm the guy with the "verbal tick", who occasionally is fun to laugh with, but sometimes inside , I'm just... I'm just that little kid scared as hell, and hoping it'll be over soon.
I love my family, my friends, my children, but if the truth be known.... I'm little, small, insignificant, and ego-centric. I'm a sheep in lambs clothing.... I am not good enough for my family. I am a terrible provider, a farce, and a weight.
And despite all that, she loves me.... And they love me... She believes in me.... Would someone please speak to her! Seriously!
On a side note my dad and my step-mom are going to see the OLD 97s at Stubbs in Austin tomorow, pretty cool.
My sister is the greatest, and I hope that she, Jerry and Peyton are well. My mom is in town, or rather Oklahoma and I love her, and to all of my friends "I love you also" ....
I just don't know if maybe someone should tell WIF, that she really deserves better... I know she does!
Funny thing is this is probably "news" to -NO-ONE- just my realization that I'm probably never gonna be that guy that I had always -hoped- to be. REAL........
A real good husband, father, provider, friend, lover, confidant, and most of all someone my children repect, because I earned it, not because I'm their father.....
Rhett, I love you, Evan I love you, Sarah, I love you.
S - Sorry about your birthday, I'll try and make it up to you.
BTW
Wilco, was tonight-UNMPWESDSLF and L_Bo went, hope they got me a t-shirt!
Not a funny post huh? but honest, at least with myself...
Note to reader: If your looking for humour, you'd better put on a Stephen Wright CD, not reading this crap, at least not today.
Interestingly enough those words were written by "David Lowery" lead singer of the band "cracker" and a major creative force in the band "Camper Van Beethoven." I'm probably dating myself -in terms of age- here a bit, but it pretty much sums up my feeling on life in general today.
He himself, was nothing more than a modern day, self deprecating folk singer caught up in mid 90's alt rock.
I kinda had the feeling from an outsiders perspective, especially after listening to "EuroTrash Girl" on repeat for ages, that he, like me, always felt like a failure. Didn't matter, his success, just always seemed like he was trying to meet a personal goal that couldn't be personally met.
Today, I'm feeling like that. See I've never succeded at anything. Truth be told, my whole persona is bullshit. Today was the WIF's birfday. I couldn't summon a party, and the present "I" got her was a bedroom set, comforter, pillows, sheets, that she picked out, and put on layaway, at Marshalls, months ago.
I'm not a great dad, I only hope that R and E inherit their mothers traits, and not my bullshit.
Don't get me wrong, I try, but sometimes, trying just isn't enough, and I don't have the answers, I'm a prick, who spends too much time in his head, problem is, I just don't know how to get out...
You know I'd kill for my kids, friends, and family, I just don't know if I'm worth their time...
And sometimes I don't know that I'm worth mine....
It's true that I am 'good' at some things, but I am a master at 'nothing'... I have actually succeeded at nothing in my life... EVER. I truly have no idea why she (WIF) still hangs around.
Here is some interesting shit, I have been hospitalized 5 times for mental - (let's just call a duck a duck) for losing my mind. I recently lost my job, have no idea, whether my new business will be successfull, and have given nobody including myself any reason to trust, or believe that I can actually do this.
Sometimes, tonight especially, I feel like a caricature of myself, a lie, an actor, who plays a part, that people think is funny and tragic at the same time. I'm the guy with the "verbal tick", who occasionally is fun to laugh with, but sometimes inside , I'm just... I'm just that little kid scared as hell, and hoping it'll be over soon.
I love my family, my friends, my children, but if the truth be known.... I'm little, small, insignificant, and ego-centric. I'm a sheep in lambs clothing.... I am not good enough for my family. I am a terrible provider, a farce, and a weight.
And despite all that, she loves me.... And they love me... She believes in me.... Would someone please speak to her! Seriously!
On a side note my dad and my step-mom are going to see the OLD 97s at Stubbs in Austin tomorow, pretty cool.
My sister is the greatest, and I hope that she, Jerry and Peyton are well. My mom is in town, or rather Oklahoma and I love her, and to all of my friends "I love you also" ....
I just don't know if maybe someone should tell WIF, that she really deserves better... I know she does!
Funny thing is this is probably "news" to -NO-ONE- just my realization that I'm probably never gonna be that guy that I had always -hoped- to be. REAL........
A real good husband, father, provider, friend, lover, confidant, and most of all someone my children repect, because I earned it, not because I'm their father.....
Rhett, I love you, Evan I love you, Sarah, I love you.
S - Sorry about your birthday, I'll try and make it up to you.
BTW
Wilco, was tonight-UNMPWESDSLF and L_Bo went, hope they got me a t-shirt!
Not a funny post huh? but honest, at least with myself...
posted by DJ KFC and the Pot Pan Kitchen Posse at 9:16 PM
3 Comments:
I love you because you are passionate, intelligent, creatative, loving, generous, funny, and hard working. I know that you feeling like a failure--but you are not!!!!! In a year you will look back at this blog and laugh because our business will be so successful. Life has been hard for you but you have been very resilent--stay positive, things will work out, life is good. Trust yourself and the universe! I love you!!!!!!!
Sarah said...
I love you because you are passionate, intelligent, creatative, loving, generous, funny, and hard working. I know that you feeling like a failure--but you are not!!!!! In a year you will look back at this blog and laugh because our business will be so successful. Life has been hard for you but you have been very resilent--stay positive, things will work out, life is good. Trust yourself and the universe! I love you!!!!!!!
WTF Jer? You are by all means not a failure. So you had a shitty day. So you feel bad because what you got S (which is what she wanted) is not what you think of as a "great" gift. Sometimes it's nice to get what you want and not what someone else thinks you want.
You ARE a successful husband, father and friend. You don't quit and you don't take BS from people. I'd be willing to bet that most people you hold up as "successful" share the same characteristics with the exception of taking BS from people.
You will succeed because you are doing what you love. Most people are not doing what they love, they are doing what they have to in order to "appear" successful. There is a huge difference.
So what, you're a ToysRUs kid. So am I. You should feel lucky that you have a passion and you are following it. Hell, I don't know what I want to do but I know it's not this crap.
Talk to you soon.
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